Wednesday, December 14, 2011

T.A.H. Scoop: Scandal About to Rock Tobacco Road

The crack T.A.H. Worldwide Media Research Department has learned that scandals involving the head coaches of two of the most storied programs in college basketball are about to erupt down on the famed Tobacco Road.  Framed by brawls and sex scandals, college basketball is in no condition to absorb a scandal of such tsunamian proportions.


Yes loyal readers, our sometimes reliable and always under-motivated research team has dug up some serious dirt on the two iconic programs represented by 10 NCAA Division 1 Men’s Basketball National Championships, 10 runner-ups, 33 Final Fours, 43 Elite Eights, 57 Sweet Sixteens and 76 NCAA tournament appearances.  (That’s approximately 2,584 more than the University of Virginia. and 1,067,567 more than Clemson.)

These two ACC giants have also accrued 49 ACC tournament crowns and 59 regular season titles, while populating the NBA with top players and producing a plethora of NCAA and professional coaches.  OK, one program has done the latter, while the other, whom we won’t name (Duke), has produced the head coach of Top 25 newbie Harvard and...Quinn Snyder.

To these majestic family trees and resumes decorated with trophies and traditions comes scandal and potential disgrace by way of actual photographs taken at recent games.  The photos included in this story are untouched.  

(Robert Willett/Raleigh News & Observer)
According to the T.A.H. Research Department and the photos displayed here, North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams was involved in an incident with game official Mike Eades during the Tar Heels overwhelmingly convincing victory (4 points) over Long Beach last Saturday.

As you can clearly see, sometime during the second half, Eades LITERALLY stuck his hands down Ol’  Roy’s Alexander Julian trousers...YIKE!  And, as you can also plainly see, Ol’ Roy wasn’t amused. 

The two time NCAA tournament champion and Hall of Fame coach had this to say when contacted by T.A.H., “Gosh, I’ve known Mike for years, but I had no idea he was physically attracted to Roy.  I mean, he would pat Roy on the bottom now and then, but I always thought it was just part of the camaraderie of the game...”

When contacted, Eades told T.A.H. “I love Roy, I love all Roys, I love all coaches, I love to “horse around” with coaches and verbally “wrestle” with them, but I’ve never done anything sexually inappropriate.  If you don’t believe me, you can ask my attorney who married his cousin’s 14-year-old sister, he’ll vouch for me.”

(Robert Willett/Raleigh News & Observer)
Sources report that Mrs. Williams is not happy, but T.A.H. was unable to reach her for this story. 

Meanwhile, across town, officials at Duke were snickering until a photograph was leaked from a recent lopsided win at Cameron Indoor Stadium against Popcorn State (not the Sisters Of The Poor’s real name) showing head coach Mike Krzywrmx6ski celebrating his 1,000th victory.

Coach K, as ESPN made sure we all knew, passed his mentor Bobby “Choking, and Kicking and Tossing” Knight for total career NCAA wins at 903 back on November 15th against Michigan State, but this photo clearly shows Duke commemorating Krzywfvb2ski’s 1,000th victory.

Sources in Durham close to the tower (Ok, just outside the tower, under a tree) tell T.A.H. that K-loyalist traded the Olympic Gold Medal coach’s American Express points for some of the needed victories.  Evidently, 25,000 points is required per Division 1 win according to www.AmericanExpress.com/Membership_Rewards/NCAA Basketball/Duke.

In addition, Duke revisionists (which are prevalent among the alumni, fans and media or so we are told) have converted some of Krzypqs8ski’s previous losses to victories.  


According to Billy “Squirrely” Hurely (Bobby’s brother?) of BleedDukeBlue.com, Coach K should be credited with all the games from the “lost season” of 1994-1995.  Hurley maintains that Krzywsx5ski should be credited with substitute coach Pete Gaudet’s wins and losses because “had he been healthy, he would have literally carried the Blue Devils to victory on his own very strong back.”

(Lance King/Icon SMI)
BleedDukeBlue.com also asserts that Krzycvb3ski should be credited with wins for the 79 games he lost from 1975 to 1980 as the coach of Army.  


“They simply didn’t have any D1 basketball players,” said Hurely. “yeah, they had scholars, future military officers and heroes, but they were short on height, length, speed, ballhandling and shooting.  On a level court, a real basketball team with real student athletes would have won those games.” 


West Point could not be reached for comment. 

(Rumor: Black helicopters seen flying over BleedDukeBlue.com headquarters.)

Add in a bunch of USA Basketball and Olympic victories and the next thing you know Duke president Richard Brodhead is handing Coach K a big framed jersey with the number 1,000 on it...

Brodhead could not be reached for comment.


Coach K could not be reached for comment either.

*Items in italics may not be true. 

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