Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Tar Heels Vacate Two Years Of Football Victories, Celebratory Riots Break Out at Duke


Hey, this looks like College Park, not Durham...(Rachel Fus)
The University of North Carolina has inflicted self-imposed penalties on its football program after university and enforcement staff concluded several players had received impermissible benefits in violation of NCAA bylaws governing agents, runners and preferential treatment.

The Tar  Heels will vacate all victories from the 2008 and 2009 seasons, dock the team nine scholarships over the next three years and put itself on two years of probation. North Carolina went 8-5 in both seasons.

"We accept responsibility for mistakes that were made in terms that are balanced, measured and fair," director of athletics Dick Baddour said Monday in a statement.

The university also fined itself $50,000 and declared an official disassociation with former defensive back Chris Hawkins and former tutor Jennifer Wiley.  We aren’t sure how one “fines onself,” but we’ll get back to you on that one.

Meanwhile, students over in Durham took to the streets, drinking, singing and lighting the famous Duke benches on fire to celebrate the first back-to-back wins against their rival since 1885 or whenever it was that the Ol’ Ballcoach was there.

Here is a copy of UNC’s official response to the NCAA. 

*Items in italics may not be true.

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