Friday, August 26, 2011

Hurricane Irene Pissed Off At Jiffy Lube Live Just Like Everybody Else

(UPP*) BRISTOW, VA -- Hurricane Irene, the Category 2 storm that is trudging it’s way north, has joined the ranks of disgruntled Parrotheads aggravated over Jiffy Lube Live’s new “No Tailgating” policy which has devastated the Florida singer/songwriters annual visit to Virginia.

“Like everybody who enjoys a good tailgate and a Buffett show, Irene is simply pissed off,” said Storm Blowhard, Hurricane Irene’s spokesperson. “That said, she decided to pay the venue a little visit and to whip up some strong wind gusts right about the time the curtain goes up on what promises to be the lamest and wettest JB show in years.”

Having recently fallen off a stage and, no doubt seen the viral video of the stage collapsing at a Wisconsin state fair, it would seem that the 64-year-old poet, singer and song writer turned restaurant and casino mogul and future coffee barista would be reluctant to perform in such foul weather conditions.

Sources close to Buffett tell UPP* the singer was overheard saying “The ‘No Tailgating’ thing is bullshit, but what’s really whack is that whole surfing in a hurricane nonsense.  It’s a song people, take cover, don’t be ridiculous. The show must go on, my ass!”

Parrotheads nationwide have been blogging, tweeting and Facebooking complaints to one another while others have set up extensive email chains looking to boycott the first ever “No Tailgating” Buffett event.   Amazingly, dejected Buffet fans have even resorted to talking to one another in person (yes, that’s not a typo, it says “talking to one another in person”) about this semi-tragedy.

“Well, I-eye-I-eye-I-eye-I, just don’t know what to say. I’m kind of mourning my lost tailgate and my ton of sand,” said M. Daugherty who holds a 32-year attendance streak at the King Cheeseburger’s annual shows. “This is the most disappointing thing since I dropped fiddy on BCS National Championship game.”

Tickets are crawling off Stubhub at record low speeds with lawn seats selling for as little as $14. Nosebleeds seats at his next show in October start at $85 with only 179 tickets on sale. Over 500 Stay Dry concert goers are looking to unload tickets for Saturday night.

As the late Douglas Adams once said about flying in the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy:  “Have at it, and good luck!”

“You know, if it was a Bronco game, I might weather the storm and the $8 beers,” said J. Pieja of Hole 3.5, a well-known haven for local Buffett aficionados, “but if Irene rolls in as predicted, we’re gonna need a bigger boat. I’ve already hired a driver, what the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“If it rains four inches in four hours and the wind blows 50 mph, I’m not sure we can keep the roads open,” said T. Blaze Blaser, chief kahuna of all the road s*** in Prince William County.  “Hey, it is what it is.”

*UPP – Unofficial Parrothead Press

Related quote from singer/songwriter John Hiatt: “Thank God the tiki bar is open.”

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