Friday, August 27, 2010

Toly Hansbrough Learns To Put His Napkin In His Lap (The Hard Way)

(Editor’s Note: The life and times of fictitious multi-sports star Toly Hansbrough, who is currently competing for basketball, baseball and football scholarships from the Univeristy of North Carolina, are infrequently published here at T.A.H. Any resemblance to any person [real or imagined, and in particular the Editor/Publisher’s son who coincidentally has the same first name] is purely coincidental. These particular events, however, happened exactly as depticted below.)

We know some basic truths about parenting and our children’s behavior.

The first is that our kids are creatures of habit who find and, ultimately, maintain order in their universe via a reasonably consistent routine. Define “reasonably consistent” as you will.

We know our kids get completely out of whack the first week of school, the last week of school, etc. – anytime the normal routine is imploded.

The second basic truth we ascribe to is that, for the most part, all of our “bad parenting” is a direct result of the epic failure of all of our “good parenting.” This is a tale of just such a digression.

This is the first week of school with the added stress of early mornings, new bus stops, new classes, new teachers, new students, homework and cranky parents who are also struggling to adjust to the new more complicated routine. Add to that that systemic shock of the complete abandonment of an unstructured summer vacation with a lack-of-routine save for almost daily trips to the pool now replaced with the likes of arithmetic and a grumpy (who can blame her?) bus driver…

On top of all this, Toly Hansbrough (multi-sport superstar) is further burdened by football practice for two hours, three nights a week. Taxing at best. Needless to say he’s also concerned about recent events down in Chapel Hill involving the NCAA and the “I” word. (Investigation.)

Which brings us to the napkin.

For the past five years of his life, Toly (now 8) has been instructed to put his napkin in his lap at meal time. As there are 365 days in a year and three meals per day, we are comfortable surmising that his request has been made as many as 5,475 times by a parent or some other supervisory agent -- grandparent, babysitter, teacher, relative, friend or random adult saddled with feeding my children.

Guess what? The napkin still can’t find its way to Toly’s lap without this oft repeated request! Shocking, we know.

Now, we all have limited parenting skills, but, Toly’s Dad’s core strength is seemingly unlimited patience. Key word being “seemingly.”

Well in the midst of this stressful week, Dad’s “Stay-Cool-Omoter” was sneaking out of the green and moving dangerously close to the red. The favorite young son had a particularly bad day with his inability to accurately depict facts and his further inability to effectively listen to his parents and other figures of authority thus rendering him incapable of properly executing the instructions these incredibly wise, wonderful and caring people were bestowing upon him.

Fast forward to supper. Yes, Dad (somehow remaining calm) instructed the T-Man to put his napkin in his lap yet again.

And that’s when it got interesting.

Toly stared into his glass of milk and determined that it included a foreign object. He removed said object with his finger which he then wiped on his shirt (Fauquier Basketball Camp tee shirt, for the record) – not his napkin. (No, that was not a misprint – he wiped it on his shirt.)

Dad watched amazed and horrified. Or horrified and amazed, we’re not sure which.

Then, the Tolinator noticed a second foreign object which he subsequently removed with the same finger. Needing to remove the object from the finger yet again, he WIPED IT ON HIS SHIRT – AGAIN!

At this point, he did glance up at his father and the look he saw must have been something between “that was inappropriate” and “you should run like hell NOW!” because his face clearly registered that an error had been made and detected which would, no doubt, lead to some unpleasant consequence(s).

Here’s where the “bad parenting” comes in.

Instead of calmly explaining yet again about the use of the napkin (good parenting), dear old Dad chose an alternative tactic. He did not raise his voice. In fact, he did not say a single word. He simply reached across the counter and WIPED his dirty knife on Toly’s SHIRT (bad parenting).

Criscross-applesauce -- made a nice “X” of mashed potatoes and grilled chicken right there on the chest of Number 1 son’s tee-shirt. Hey, what’s good for the gosling is good for the gander.

Not satisfied the point was adequately made, Dad then reached across the counter and WIPED his dirty fork on Toly's  SHIRT in the same fashion.

The children were then wide-eyed and speechless with mouths agape. “Wonder what “Crazy Dad” is gonna do next?” they were surely asking themselves.

Dad’s got their attention, why stop now? So he picks up his plate and says “How about I wipe this on your shirt too?” (Add as much sarcasm as you deem appropriate and necessary.)

Suffice to say the look on both children’s faces was priceless in that “Oh My God Dad Has Finally Completely Lost It” sort of way…

The bad parenting moment passed and the frustration of asking them to do simple things over and over again was explained (again). Some headway was made when the children were asked to describe how frustrated they get when they ask each other to do something over and over with no results. This seemed to make the point in a 8- and 11-year-old sort of relatable way. (A temporary victory no doubt, but some salve for the wound.)

The next morning all was well again.

Toly Hansbrough came down to breakfast, looked his Dad right square in the eye, and calmly placed his napkin in his lap.

His Dad winked at him.

He giggled.

Mission accomplished?

Time will tell…

Did Tiger Tank On Purpose?

Poor Tiger Woods, ever since last November when his secret life of cocktail waitresses and porn stars led to his ultimate divorce this week from wife of almost six years Elin Nordegren, he’s played like crap.

When Tiger returned to the tour after what had to be the crappiest holiday season in history of golfers, hookers, agents and sponsors, his game was absolutely awful. To make matters worse, a couple of his lucrative endorsement paychecks dumped him, and it started to look like he might have to ride along in John Daley’s bus if he was going to live off his greatly reduced tournament earnings.

Not to be cynical, but was Tiger’s poor performance part of the negotiating process which led ultimately to an undisclosed settlement with his now ex-wife? Can’t you just hear the lawyers for the world’s greatest golfer saying, “We can’t possibly give you $(fill in the blank) million, look how BAAADDD he’s playing!!!”

A coincidence perhaps, but the Woods’ divorce was settled and made public early this week and, lo and behold, Tiger puts up a 65, tied for the lead, in his first “post-divorce settlement” tourney.

Nice, Tiger, NICE!

Did Tiger Woods Secretly Invest In Racehorses?

More Pictures Of The Day

IS THAT TOMMY JOHN? No, it’s Stephen Strasburg who’s having the surgery on his elbow of the same name. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)
IS THAT A KEEBLER COOKIE ELF? No, it’s 17-year-old phenom Bryce Harper of the Washington Nationals taking batting practice at Nationals Park on August 26, 2010 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images North America)

Staying One Step Ahead Of The Suits In Kansas (For Now), UNC Investigates Self

The investigation of the University of North Carolina's football program has expanded into possible academic misconduct involving players and a woman who worked as a tutor for coach Butch Davis' son, school officials said Thursday night.

Athletic director Dick Baddour (right, that’s UNC Chancellor Holden Thorp in the middle and Davis on the left) declined to identify the players or say how many may be involved, and he refused to specify what the possible violations may have been, saying only that they involved a student tutor and student-athletes on the football team.

"We are looking into improprieties that existed outside the classroom," Baddour said. "That's about as close to that as I can get."

The announcement came nine days before the No. 18 Tar Heels' opener against No. 21 LSU in Atlanta, and roughly two months after the NCAA began an investigation into whether two key players - defensive tackle Marvin Austin and receiver Greg Little - received improper benefits from agents. Defensive line coach John Blake's longtime friendship with California-based agent Gary Wichard also has drawn the NCAA's interest.

Joint interviews conducted by NCAA and school investigators during that probe led them to a player who "raised an issue that we felt like deserved further consideration on our part."

"It led us down a road that brought us to what we're talking about," Baddour said.

To read more, click here.

(Photo by Ethan Hyman/Raleigh News & Observer)

Picture of the Day

BEMUSED? UNC head football coach Butch Davis listens during a press conference with Chancellor Holden Thorp and Athletics Director Dick Baddour.  (Photo by Ethan Hyman/Raleigh News & Observer)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

ACC Has 5 In AP Football Poll

The ACC has five teams in the preseason AP Top 25 with Virginia Tech leading the way at No. 10.

Alabama, the 2009 national champs, open the season at No. 1 and received 54 first-place votes (out of 60). The SEC has six ranked teams, including No. 21 LSU, UNC's opponent in the Chick-fil-A Kickoff.

Miami (13), Georgia Tech (16) and Florida State (20) are the other ranked ACC teams.

AP Top 25
1. Alabama (54)
2. Ohio State (3)
3. Boise State (1)
4. Florida
5. Texas (1)
6. TCU
7. Oklahoma (1)
8. Nebraska
9. Iowa
10. Virginia Tech
11. Oregon
12. Wisconsin
13. Miami
14. USC
15. Pitt
16. Georgia Tech
17. Arkansas
18. UNC
19. Penn State
20. Florida State
21. LSU
22. Auburn
23. Georgia
24. Oregon State
25. West Virginia

Also receiving votes: Cincinnati 108, Stanford 81, Utah 80, South Carolina 71, Houston 66, UConn 32, Notre Dame 31, Missouri 27, BYU 19, Clemson 15, Arizona 15, Texas Tech 14, Navy 12, Washington 8, Texas A&M 7, Ole Miss 6, Oklahoma State 3, Central Michigan 2, Temple 2, Middle Tennessee State 2, Central Florida 1, Boston College 1, SMU 1.

Quote of the Day

“I never thought (Wetherell) would ever do to me what he did. I’m disappointed, but it’s not like I’m going to cut my wrists.”

-- former Florida State head coach and college football Icon Bobby Bowden.

Bowden recently sat down with Matt Hayes of the Sporting News and the story that emerged isn’t pretty…

Shocking, we know.

Among other things Bowden said:

-- Bowden was fired—he didn’t resign or retire—after FSU’s loss to Florida in the regular-season finale.

-- Bowden says former FSU president T.K. Wetherell, who played for Bowden when he was a Florida State assistant in the 1960s and repeatedly proclaimed Bowden had a “lifetime contract,” reneged on an agreement to allow Bowden to coach through the end of the 2010 season. Instead, he wanted Bowden to be an “ambassador coach” with no responsibilities this season.

-- Bowden said once FSU gave new coach Jimbo Fisher a $5 million buyout in 2007 if he wasn’t the head coach at FSU by January 2011, he started to be “phased out” by the school.

-- The coach-in-waiting philosophy FSU used with Fisher doesn’t work.

To read more, click here.

Things That Make You Go…


How about a naked, 6’2’, 290 lb drunk guy in your house?

Oh yeah...that you dont' know!

An Oregon State University offensive lineman has been dismissed from the team after police say they found him naked and intoxicated in a stranger’s home and had to use stun guns to take him into custody.

Responding officers ordered 19-year-old Tyler Patrick Thomas of Kalispell, Mont., to get on the ground, Lt. Tim Brewer said.

Thomas refused and instead dropped into a three-point stance like the football player that he was and lunged at the officers, Brewer said. At that point, he said, two officers fired their stun guns.

Brewer said Thomas “absolutely was intoxicated” at the time.

Thomas was arrested on suspicion of criminal trespass, criminal mischief and resisting arrest. He was booked into the Benton County jail and later released.

Oregon State head coach Mike Riley dismissed Thomas from the team Monday, OSU athletics spokesman Steve Fenk said. Thomas redshirted during the Beavers’ 2009 season.

Nice, Tyler, NICE!

To read more, click here.

Pictures of the Day

NUMBER OF PLAYS. Brett Favre #4 of the Minnesota Vikings, who we know loves money and football, but hates practice, training camp and preseason, signals how many plays he’s willing to participate in while he warms up against the San Francisco 49er during an NFL pre-season game at Candlestick Park on August 22, 2010 in San Francisco, California. (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images North America)SEEING DOUBLE. Competitors in the Girls Byte CII one person dinghy class start race two on day nine of the Singapore 2010 Youth Olympics at the National Sailing Centre on August 23, 2010 in Singapore. (Photo by Mark Dadswell/Getty Images AsiaPac)
AIR PEROGATIVE. Bobby Brown of USA competes in the Men's Freestyle Slopestyle Final during the 2010 Junior World Snowboard Championships at Snow Park on August 23, 2010 in Wanaka, New Zealand. (Photo by Hannah Johnston/Getty Images AsiaPac)
PRO WAHOO. Danny Glading #9 of the Chesapeake Bayhwaks, by way of the University of Virginia, controls the ball during the Major League Lacrosse Finals against the Long Island Lizards on August 22, 2010 at Navy-Marine Corps Stadium in Annapolis, Maryland. Bayhawks won 13-9. (Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images North America)

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