Friday, January 8, 2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELVIS

The King would have been 75 today.

It's sort of hard to imagine...

In eleven days, were she still with us, Janis Joplin would be turning 67...also difficult to process.

ALABAMA HIGH TEST: INJURY, TURNOVERS, SHOVEL PASS AND TIDE’S RUSHING GAME DOOM LONGHORNS

Alabama high test....got me in a big mess
Higher than a wild cat....runnin’ from the wolfpack
They're gonna put me in the slammer
If they catch me with that Alabama high test…

Amen, Tide brothers.

Alabama’s defense knocked Texas quarterback Colt McCoy out of the BCS title game early and then made several big plays to give the S.E.C. its fourth straight BCS Championship and the Crimson Tide its first national title since 1992.

McCoy, injured on the Texas offense’s fifth play, watched most of it from the sideline with an injured throwing shoulder.

“I would have given anything to be out there, because it would have been different,” he said.

It was a tough game dominated by big-play defense. None bigger than Mac Brown’s bone-headed shovel pass call with just seconds remaining in the first half. Trailing 17-3, it was time to take a knee or go for it all. Instead, Brown opted for a shovel pass from redshirt freshman Garrett Gilbert that was bobbled and ultimately picked off by Marcell Dareus and returned for a TD and a 24-6 Alabama halftime lead.

Game over?

Not quite.

Gilbert showed off his young chops with two second-half touchdown drives to pull the Horns within 24-21 in the fourth quarter.

But, Alabama linebacker Eryk Anders preserved the victory, forcing a fumble on his blindside sack of Gilbert with 3:02 left.

Mark Ingram scored three plays later to give the top-ranked Tide (14-0) breathing room. Trent Richardson added a late touchdown to make it look like a blowout it most surely was not.

Ingram finished with 116 yards rushing and two touchdowns, and Richardson had 109 yards and two scores as Alabama beat Texas for the first time in nine meetings between two of college football’s most successful teams.

“I don’t think anybody in the country worked harder than us,” Ingram said. “We played a great game today.”

Seeking its second national title in five years, second-ranked Texas (13-1) got to the game on the back of McCoy, its All-America quarterback, who often looked like a one-man show in leading the Longhorns to 13 straight wins.

After the injury, McCoy was asking to go back in to finish his last college game. His dad, interviewed on ABC, said the injury wasn’t that bad.

But Texas coach Mack Brown decided to err on the side of caution, and McCoy spent the second half wearing a headset on the sideline, trying to encourage his teammates.

The Longhorns defense, ranked third in the country in yards allowed, kept things close while Gilbert got his feet underneath him and the Horns on the scoreboard.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“We back.”

- Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram, the offensive MVP of the BCS Championship Game.

(Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)


(Editor's note: We aren't picking on Ingram who, by all accounts, is a fine young man. This quote was part of the widely distrubited AP story.)

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO…

Hmmm…

Security guards escort a fan off the field during the third quarter in the Citi BCS National Championship game between the Texas Longhorns and the Alabama Crimson Tide at the Rose Bowl on January 7, 2010 in Pasadena, California.

(Photos by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

CHECK OUT THE MOST MASSIVELY FULL-OF-CRAP MAN IN THE WORLD

You know all about Dos XXs Most Interesting Man In The World…well, meet the Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World. He really does speak Russian in French and when he tells you the world is flat, he believes it.

How much would the BCS have to pay you to spew out the nonsense below? Is the magic number $300,000 a year, $600,000 a year, $1.1 million a year, $2 million a year?

Seriously, if this guy said: I took their money and I don't believe a word of the junk I said, we're cool with that…But, if he really believes this bulls***, he needs to be institutionalized.

The story goes like this: The BCS has a new executive director who started work recentlyy. His name is Bill Hancock and he is…drum roll, please…the Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World.

Hancock, a longtime administrator in college athletics, was hired by the conference commissioners in November to be a full-time point person for the Bowl Championship Series.

During the first 12 years of the BCS, the position of coordinator rotated among conference commissioners on a two-year basis. Hancock now assumes those duties (were guessing the likes of the ACC's John Swofford tired of the role of Head Hypocrite.)

According to Yahoo Sports!, the Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World said a playoff at college football's highest level would lead to more injuries, conflict with final exams, kill the bowl system and diminish the importance of the regular season.

(Editor's note: We swear these quotes are true. This guy's opinions or so screwed up, we thought this might have come from The Onion or some other smart-ass like T.A.H. doing parody, but it appears that Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World's actually believes this crap…Yike!)
Here is a sampling of the Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World's complete nonsense:

"I know this is not completely popular, but I believe in it, I believe it is in the best interest of the universities." (He left out that he is being paid handsomely to believe this or that he's completely crazy.)

"College football has never been better and I believe the BCS is part of that." (Tell that to a kid from Boise State this year, Texas last year or Utah before that.)

Hancock said the fact that other lower levels of college football use playoffs to decide their champions doesn't mean it would work in the Football Bowl Subdivision. The second-tier of Division I football, the Championship Subdivision, has a 16-team playoff with all but the final played at home sites. (Huh? So what? Why not utilize the existing bowls for a sixteen team playoff and rotate the semis and finals through the BCS bowls, how freakin' hard is that?)

"It works at that level, I can't deny it, but if you look at attendance for those games, only Montana had decent attendance," he said. "Many teams didn't draw as well as they did in the regular season." (Dude, you're killing us. Does the Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World really think that people wouldn't attend a NCAA D1 playoff game? Really? We're serious. Can he be that delusional? Oh shucks, I bet he's right 'cause nobody goes to those stupid D1 basketball playoff games. Is that why they call it March Madness, 'cause people are so CRAZY that they go to playoff games?)

"The fact is what we have right now works." (Stop it. No, it doesn't)

No changes are expected to the system for the next four years, despite congressional hearings and a new pro-playoff ad campaign. The BCS begins a new four-year TV deal with ESPN next season, and each of its current bowl partners also start new four-year contracts in the 2010 season. Maybe at some point we can get a little TV network collusion and force the BCS to wake up and smell the playoffs…

Regarding the selection process, the Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World said, "It's all objective, based on the data."

(Arrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!)

QUOTE OF THE DAY 2

"It's like communism, it can't be fixed."

- Texas congressman Joe Barton on the Bowl Championship Series.

INTRODUCING THE PLAYOFF POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE

According to its web site, "Playoff PAC is a federal political committee dedicated to establishing a competitive post-season championship for college football.

The Bowl Championship Series is inherently flawed. It crowns champions arbitrarily and stifles inter-conference competition. Fans, players, schools, and corporate sponsors will be better served when the BCS is replaced with an accessible playoff system that recognizes and rewards on-the-field accomplishment.

To that end, Playoff PAC helps elect pro-reform political candidates, mobilizes public support, and provides a centralized source of pro-reform news, thought, and scholarship." (The Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World does not believe a word of this or, at the very least, is paid handsomely to refute such bizarre ideas.)

The new PAC ran the commercial below ahead of last night's BCS game in the Dallas-Fort Worth, Salt Lake City and Boise, Idaho, markets.

The Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World responded to the ads by saying, "Negative campaigning has permeated politics and I sure would hate to see it permeate college football. We're going to stay respectful."

But the Most Massively Full-Of-Crap Man In The World better stay on his toes as well. Matt Sanderson, a Utah graduate and former campaign-finance attorney for GOP presidential contender John McCain, founded Playoff PAC with a half-dozen similarly politically savvy friends.

"We wanted to give a home to the tremendous grass-roots energy that's formed around the BCS and channel it toward a proven method to get results-in this case, political pressure," Sanderson said.

"Look, the most damning thing about the BCS is the way they distribute revenue. The schools in the six conferences the BCS made automatic qualifiers got $430 million more in bowl money than the five (conferences) that are non-automatic qualifiers.

"That's not just unfair, it's something that has real consequences. … And even schools in the big conferences aren't too happy about the way the championship slots and opportunities are doled out by the BCS on what often seems like a whim."




PICTURE OF THE DAY

MAMAS BOY. Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram #22 of the Alabama Crimson Tide celebrates with his mother Shonda after winning the Citi BCS National Championship game over the Texas Longhorns at the Rose Bowl on January 7, 2010 in Pasadena, California. The Crimson Tide defeated the Longhorns 37-21.

Note Shonda's tribute to the Bear.


(Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

PICTURE OF THE DAY 2

WOO HOO! Cornerback Tyrone King #20 and wide receiver Earl Alexander #82 of the Alabama Crimson Tide celebrate during the Citi BCS National Championship game against the Texas Longhorns at the Rose Bowl on January 7, 2010 in Pasadena, California. The Crimson Tide defeated the Longhorns 37-21.

(Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

PICTURE OF THE DAY 3

FRIENDS FOR NOW. Mike Shanahan speaks at a press conference introducing him as the new Executive Vice President and Head Coach of the Washington Redskins as Bruce Allen, Executive Vice President and general manager watches on January 6, 2010 at Redskins Park in Ashburn, Virginia.

(Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

AND SO IT BEGINS: YOU CAN'T FALL OFF THE FLOOR

Mike Shanahan arrives at a press conference to be introduced as the new head coach of the Washington Redskins on January 6, 2010 in Ashburn, Virginia. Shanahan replaces former head coach Jim Zorn who was released January 4 following a 4-12 season.

(Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images North America)

HUMP NIGHT HOOPS

The non-conference portion of the season in winding down…and, evidently, that scares Jon "Crazy Face" Sheyer (r).

NO. 5 DUKE 86, Iowa State (Cyclones, 27,943 students, Ames, IA) 65 – Scheyer celebrated a homecoming with 31 points and No. 5 Duke pulled away in the second half to beat Iowa State.

The Blue Devils (13-1, 1-0) won their seventh straight game behind a balanced attack, a defense that forced 18 turnovers and aggressive rebounding in the game at the United Center.

Scheyer, a prep star in suburban Northbrook, Ill., shot 10 of 19 and had four 3-pointers to lead Duke, which also got 20 points from Nolan Smith and 15 points from Kyle Singler.

To read more, click here.

N.C. STATE 87, Holy Cross (Crusaders, 2,817 students, Worcester, MA) 70 – N.C. State used its defense and three-point shooting to pull away from visiting Holy Cross Wednesday night at the RBC Center.

The Wolfpack (11-4 overall, 0-1 in the ACC) held a slim 33-31 lead at intermission, as the Crusaders outrebounded the Pack 23-16 and made five of eight 3-point shots in the opening 20 minutes.

Sidney Lowe never feared that his team would have any lingering effects from Sunday's disappointing loss to Florida, even though it did not get off to a good start against the Crusaders.

To read more, click here.

“I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE A GIRL…”

Jeez, Kyle, not a good look, bro.

You know, the dude's from Oregon.

The book/movie Twilight is based in Oregon...

Vampire?

Hmmm...

A QUICK NOTE ON OUR RAPIDLY DEVOLVING CIVILIZATION…

This from the ACC Now with minor edits:

It was a quiet locker room after ninth-ranked North Carolina lost to College of Charleston 82-79 in overtime Monday night.

Not so quiet on Twitter, though. Here's a sampling of UNC players' tweets in the hours after the Tar Heels blew an 11-point lead in the final four minutes of regulation:

Freshman John Henson: Just made someone's college career relevant ... damn

Sophomore Justin Watts: On the way back to chapel hill .. Going to sleep as soon as I get back

Sophomore Ed Davis: Just got back to chapel hill. In this business u got to have a quick memory forget fast and move on

Senior Marcus Ginyard: Charleston police should have their hands full tonight

Walk-on Terrence Petree: Say what u want. I believe in my 15 brothers....

MISC INFORMATION: FOOTBALL

*In his last game as head coach, Bobby Bowden led the Florida State Seminoles to a 33-21 win over West Virginia in the Gator Bowl on New Year's Day. Bowden finished with a 389-129-4 record, making this his 33rd consecutive winning season. Bowden finished as major college football's second-winningest coach, second only to Penn State's Joe Paterno.

*Virginia Tech defeated Tennessee 37-14 in the Eat Mor Chikin Bowl. Despite an injury to his ankle, Ryan Williams had 117 on the ground while QB Tyrod Taylor threw for 209 yards. The Hokies earned their first back-to-back bowl wins and sixth consecutive ten win season. Texas is the only other team to do that.

*In his final college game, C.J. Spiller led the Clemson Tigers to a 21-13 victory over Kentucky in the Music City Bowl. Spiller finished his college career with 172 all-purpose yards and one touchdown for the Tigers. It was the first bowl win for the Klimpson since the Champs Sports Bowl in 2005.

MISC INFORMATION: MEN'S BASKETBALL

*The ACC is the top-ranked conference in the Sagarin Computer Rankings and the Pomeroy Ratings and ACC teams are 58-2 (.967) in games in which they shoot 50 percent or better from the floor.

*North Carolina has 1,995 all-time wins in its 100th year as a varsity program. To reach 2,000 as quickly as possible, the Heels would have to win their next five games against Virginia Tech, @Clemson, Georgia Tech, Wake Forest and @ N.C. State.

*Virginia Tech's Malcolm Delaney leads the ACC in scoring (19.8) and is third in free throw percentage (.863) while Clemson's Trevor Booker leads all active ACC players in career rebounds (922), blocked shots (222) and double-doubles (28).

*Maryland's Greivis Vasquez leads all active ACC players in career assists (644) and points scored (1,749) while UNC’s Larry Drew leads the ACC in assists (6.4).

*Maryland's Vasquez has scored 20 or more points in five straight games and over that span is averaging 24.6 points, 6.6 assists and 6.4 rebounds while Wake Forest's Al-Farouq Aminu has had a double-double in five of his last six games and leads all ACC players with nine double-doubles on the season.

*NC State's Javier Gonzalez has made at least one 3-point field goal in an ACC-best 10 straight games and Duke's Jon "Crazy Face" Scheyer has scored 10 or more points in an ACC-best 25 straight games. Virginia's Sylven Landesberg has scored 10 or more points in 11 straight games and in 36 of 39 career games.

MISC INFORMATION: WOMEN'S BASKETBALL

*There are five ACC teams in the AP top 25 – UNC(7), Duke (9), FSU (13), Georgia Tech (20) and Virginia (21)

*The ACC owns an impressive 85-14 (86 percent) record when playing on home courts this season, and is 15-3 (83 percent) when playing on neutral courts.

*Boston College's Carolyn Swords earned her fourth consecutive double-double and league-leading seventh this season with 17 points and 12 rebounds in a 69-61 victory over Boston University on Jan. 3. The junior center currently leads the ACC in rebounds, averaging 10.4 per game, and field goal percentage with a mark of 66.4.

*Virginia's Monica Wright moved into second place on Virginia's all-time scoring list last week and is currently 45 points away from becoming the school's all-time leading scorer. The senior guard posted 19 points and tied a school-record with 10 steals to lead Virginia to its sixth-consecutive Cavalier Classic title last week.

(Editor's Note: We love this picture of UNC head coach Sylvia Hatchell - a gesture every fan and coach can relate to!)

STOP THE PRESSES: WRESTLING NEWS!!

*Buoyed by eight place-winners, Virginia led all ACC teams with a fifth-place finish in the Southern Scuffle, held Dec. 29-30 at Greensboro, N.C. The Cavaliers recorded 96.5 points, just one point outside of fourth place, held by No. 20 Edinboro. Fourth-ranked Chris Henrich notched UVa's top finish with a runner-up standing at 174 pounds. (Pictured is Mike Salopek who finished third in his division, T.A.H. owes his parents money. Just kidding.)

*Maryland scored a sixth-place finish in the Midlands Championships at Evanston, Ill., its best-ever finish in the prestigious tournament. Alex Krom won the individual championship at 141 pounds The Terps had three wrestlers place, as Steven Bell finished runner-up at 133 pounds and Hudson Taylor took fifth at 197 pounds.

*Three ACC teams remain among the Top 25 in the latest InterMat College rankings, with Maryland holding the No. 7 spot, Virginia at No. 18 and Virginia Tech at No. 24. Duke's Konrad Dudziak continues to hold the No. 1 ranking in the individual heavyweight division, while North Carolina's Scotton (157), Virginia's Henrich (174) and Maryland's Taylor (197) are all ranked fourth in their respective weight classes.

SUSPENDED: FOR BEING REALLY STUPID

We’re talkin’ Hall of Fame stupid, and then grossly and absurdly unrepentant. Down goes, Agent Zero.

Simply put, it was inevitable.

For an expanded take – MAYBE NOW GILBERT WILL UNDERSTAND – click here.

PICTURE OF THE DAY

NOT SCARED, GRAVITY IS MY FRIEND, GRAVITY IS MY FRIEND, GRAVITY IS MY FRIEND...Thomas Morgenstern of Austria takes 1st place during (trial round/final) for the FIS Ski Jumping World Cup event at the 58th Four Hills ski jumping tournament on January 6, 2010 in Bischofshofen, Austria.

(Photo by Philippe Montigny/Agence Zoom/Getty Images Europe)

PICTURE OF THE DAY 2

THEY LIKE BIG BUTTS, AND THEY CANNOT LIE. Sumo wrestlers leave after performing 'Dohyo-iri' (ring purification ritual) at the Meiji Jingu Shrine on January 6, 2010 in Tokyo, Japan. It is the custom that Sumo Grand Champions celebrate the New Year by performing the ritual at the Meiji Jingu Shrine.

(Photo by Junko Kimura/Getty Images AsiaPac)

PICTURE OF THE DAY 3

FUTURE OUTERWEAR. Tennis player Andy Roddick of the USA picks out a Koala bear from the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary for a Koala mink coat he’s having custom made.

Just kidding, it was just a photo op shot on January 5, 2010 in Brisbane, Australia.


(Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images AsiaPac)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

TOUGH NIGHT IN GEORGIA

Georgia (Bull Dogs, 34,855 students, Athens, GA) 73, NO. 20 GEORGIA TECH 66 – Hey, when it rains it pours.

While the football team was getting roughed up in Miami, the hoopsters were losing to a Bulldog team that lost recently to Wofford.

Ouch.

Trey Thompkins (pictured) scored 20 points, Ricky McPhee hit two key baskets near the end and Georgia pulled off its first big win for new coach Mark Fox.

Georgia Tech (11-3) was trying to match its victory total from last season. Instead,the Yellow Jackets failed to break a long drought at Stegeman Coliseum, where they haven't won since Nov. 26, 1976.

To read more, click here.

VIRGINIA 72, Texas-Pan American (Broncs, 17,34 students, Edinburg, TX) 53 – Mike Scott (below) scored 22 points, Sylven Landesberg (left) had 20 and Virginia sent Texas-Pan American to its 10th consecutive loss.

The Cavaliers (8-4) led by as many as 21 in a sloppy second half and won their fourth in a row for the first time in two seasons. They will take the winning streak into their Atlantic Coast Conference opener at North Carolina State on Saturday afternoon.

Sammy Zeglinski added 13 points and six assists for the Cavaliers, who were 56.6 percent from the field and were 7-for-12 from 3-point territory. Zeglinski made three 3s.

To read more, click here.

BOSTON COLLEGE 89, NJIT (Highlanders, 5,576 students, Newark, NJ) 32 – Junior Rakim Sanders scored 21 points and classmate Joe Trapani netted 18 points to lead Boston College to an 89-32 win over NJIT before 2,169 fans in Conte Forum. Sophomore Reggie Jackson scored 15 points to round out BC's list of double-figure scorers.

The host Eagles jumped out to an early 7-2 lead and withstood an 8-0 NJIT run, before outscoring the visiting Highlanders 38-4 over the final 16 minutes of the first half. BC led 45-14 at the break.

After NJIT registered four consecutive field goals to claim a 10-7 lead with 16:02 remaining in the first half, BC held the visitors scoreless for five minutes while reeling off 16 straight points. Trapani scored eight points in the rally, which left BC with a 23-10 advantage.

To read more, click here.

IOWA’S DEFENSE SHUTS DOWN GEORGIA TECH

Last night, a check of the halftime stats revealed the Ramblin’ Wreck had, in fact, done just that – wrecked.

Georgia Tech had one first down, 46 total yards and no pass completions. It didn’t get much better in the second stanza as the Yellow Jackets finished the game with just 143 yards rushing and nine first downs.

As we say here at T.A.H. – GAME OVER.

The loss drops the ACC to 2-10 all time in BCS bowl games.

Suffice to say, No. 10 Iowa solved Georgie Tech's explosive triple option and Hawkeye’s Ricky Stanzi threw two early touchdown passes for a 24-14 victory Tuesday night in the Orange Bowl (brought to you by FedEx at Landshark Stadium).

The ninth-ranked Yellow Jackets averaged 35 points during the regular season and over 400 yards per game of total offense, but their only score in the first three quarters came on Jerrard Tarrant's 40-yard interception return.

The Yellow Jackets had only 14 three-and-outs during the regular season, fewest in the nation, but they failed to pick up a first down on their first four possessions.

The Hawkeyes (11-2) earned their first Bowl Championship Series bowl win, matched the school record for victories and could claim their highest final ranking since finishing No. 3 in 1960.

"We haven't played many games like that," coach Paul Johnson said. "We couldn't seem to get anything going. We couldn't hit a pass play, couldn't hit a big play."

The Yellow Jackets were first in the nation in time of possession, second in rushing and 11th in scoring. But they sputtered against an Iowa defense that held four bowl-bound teams to 10 points or less during the regular season.

The victory was a sweet one for the Iowa coach, who lost to Southern Cal 38-17 in the Hawkeyes' only other Orange Bowl appearance seven years ago.

For the box score and more, click here.

ACC BASKETBALL PLAYERS OF THE WEEK

Virginia Tech's Dorenzo Hudson has been named ACC Player of the Week and Wake Forest's C.J. Harris earned ACC Rookie of the Week honors.

Hudson scored a career-high 41 points, had five assists and three rebounds in Saturday's 103-94 overtime win over Big East foe Seton Hall. On the week, the Charlotte, N.C. junior averaged 26.0 points 4.0 assists and 4.0 rebounds as the Hokies ran their record to 12-1 with a pair of non-conference victories.

Hudson's 41-point effort marked just the 10th time in school history that a Virginia Tech player scored at least 41 points and the first time since Bimbo Coles in 1990. In addition, he tied a school record by making 20 free throws (out of 21 attempts). In earning the league's rookie award for the fourth time this season, Harris averaged 11.0 points, 2.7 rebounds and shot 94.4 percent from the free throw line in Wake Forest's three wins last week.

In Wake Forest's 75-60 win at UNC Greensboro on Monday, the Winston-Salem, N.C., native scored 10 points, pulled down three rebounds and dished out two assists. In the Deacons' 74-68 overtime win over Richmond on Thursday, Harris had eight points and two rebounds.

Harris finished off the week with 15 points and three rebounds in Sunday's 96-92 double overtime win over Xavier on.

WOODS POSES FOR VANITY FAIR PHOTOS, FORGETS TO WEAR CLOTHES

Tiger Woods will be featured in the new Vanity Fair which hits newsstands this week. He is the subject of a photo essay shot by famous photographer Annie Leibovitz.

Sources tell T.A.H., when asked why he would pose for the magazine in various stages of undress, the Athlete of the Decade deadpanned, "To get chicks."

That said, it seemed an appropriate time to point out that the Tiger Media Model is now turned fully upside down.

Remember the days when the only thing worthy of reporting was how Tiger played in the (fill-in-th-blank) PGA or USGA tournament. Here's an example of how it used to go:

SOMEWHERE WARM & SUNNY. (AP) - The greatest golfer in the history of the known universe (and perhaps even out in some gassy rock laden unknown one way past Hubble telescope range), Tiger Woods shot an even par 72 yesterday in the Trojans Condom Open Invitational Match Play Rydher (sic) Cup.

Woods, who had a strawberry smoothie and a cup of half-caff coffee for breakfast (and, now we know, a cocktail waitress for dinner and a midnight snack) arrived at the course where he met with caddie Steve "I Don't Know S*** About S*** But Get That Effing Camera Out of My Man's Effing Face Or I’ll Bust Up Your’s" Williams for two hours of practice on the driving range followed by his usual forty-five minutes of perfection seeking, discipline building, image polishing putting on the practice green.

Tiger then proceeded to the first tee, where after his introduction and an appropriate welcome by the adoring throng of Tiger Fans and Tiger Wanna Bees, the Stanford grad then reached into his left pocket and removed a white golf tee with his left hand which was adorned by a Tag-Heuer quality time piece. (What are you made of?) ( Evidently, lots of testosterone!!)

Wearing his trademark first round "not-red" Monday through Saturday shirt, Woods then striped a three wood down the center of the 452 yard par three opening hole. A dodgy lie and a photographer snapping a picture 5,845 yards away in a public park behind a Pizza Hut caused Jack Nicklaus' nemesis to leave his approach shot (163 yards, sixty-degree wedge) just a wee bit short. Somewhere, a butterfly landed on a lily pad while a moose in Alaska simultaneously sneezed, causing the winner of 14 majors to miss the birdie put.

Tiger flinched.

Williams said something audibly profane to everyone within earshot (while thinking that although he had no idea about his boss’s extramarital escapades, he sure did wish he was in on it.)

On the second hole - blah, blah, blah.

Then, somewhere after the jump, maybe Page c28 somewhere near the bottom, the story would conclude as follows.

A.R. Stansbury IV and X.J. Chang both shot new course record 62s to share the lead, six strokes ahead of the nearest competitors we won't bother to name here but who aren't named Tiger Woods. Woods is tied for 19th.

Speaking of Woods, he produced the most wonderful eagle ever witnessed by this long-time golf correspondent on the par 5 14th when he hit a 524 yard approach shot to the ridiculously narrow and hopelessly slick needle-shaped green with a broken croquet mallet he borrowed from an intoxicated Englishman visiting from Sandown

How things have changed.

Now everybody is dumping on him, even Vanity Fair.

To read more about Tiger from VF, click here.

*Items in italics may not be true.

LOCAL SEMINOLE IDENTIFIED AS FOURTH WHITE HOUSE PARTY CRASHER

According to the Washington Post's Reliable Source authors Amy Argetsinger and Roxanne Roberts:

Yet another uninvited guest made it into the White House state dinner made famous by gate-crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the Secret Service announced Monday -- exposing more holes in the security perimeter around President Obama.

Unlike the Salahis, this newly revealed crasher got into the White House with the official delegation from Florida State University's Political Science Department. Many of the key details have not been officially released: how he came to be with the group of diplomats and how close he got to the president and first lady.

But a congressional source, who was granted anonymity to speak about the ongoing investigation into porous security at the White House, identified the man as T.A.H. guest writer and sometimes football columnist John Clark (see photo), a Warrenton, VA attorney whose firm is owed money by…drum roll, please…the Salahis.

The source saw Clark's name in official e-mails and documents pertaining to the Secret Service probe. Clark, age unknown (but that oxygen mask is not a good sign), did not respond Monday to repeated e-mails and phone messages, but on Tuesday he did notify T.A.H. that he "cried like a baby" at the end of the FSU/West Virginia Gator Bowl football game.

Allegedly, The Washington Post (hack newspaper) spoke with him last month regarding a comment he made to a blogger about the ridiculous manner in which his alma mater ended its relationship with the beloved Coach Dadgummit. In that particular brief exchange, he denied knowledge of anything to do with any state dinners.

The Secret Service released its statement following a report by Ronald Kessler, a journalist who writes for Newsmax.com (bogus news web site). Kessler reported that the agency discovered the fourth crasher after examining surveillance video of arriving guests and found one tuxedoed man wearing an oxygen mask who did not match any name on the guest list. (That's some quality detective work there!)

The White House declined to comment about the breach.

*Items in italics may not be true.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO…

Hmmm…

Apropos to nothing whatsoever…

Fireworks explode around the Burj Dubai, the world's tallest tower, during the opening ceremony for the building in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.

A Sikh youth breathes fire as he takes part in a procession from the Sri Akal Takhat at the Golden Temple in Amritsar, India.

The procession took place on the eve of the 344th birth anniversary of Guru Gobind Singh.

We've got nothing for you on that.
Cool pictures, you gotta admit.

(Narinder Nanu-AFP/Getty Images and Reuters)

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