Thursday, December 9, 2010

T.A.H. Special: If Bowl Games Were Movies

Courtesy of Darren Everson of the Wall Street Journal via General J. Bounds via West Virginia, Arkansas, Balcksburg, Kuwait, the U.S. Marine Corp, Warrenton and Interstate 66 both East and West.

The 'Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise' Bowl - Orange Bowl: Stanford vs. Virginia Tech, Jan. 3 in Miami. Having conquered USC, UCLA and most of the other Alpha Betas of the Pac-10, Stanford's whiz kids pack their protractors and head to South Florida. (Editor’s Note: Mr. Everson gave the ACC Hokies no love.)

The 'Rushmore' Bowl - Independence Bowl: Air Force vs. Georgia Tech, Dec. 27 in Shreveport, La. However many times you think these two triple-option teams will run the ball, think again. They'll rush even more than that.

The 'Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever' Bowl - Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl: Louisville vs. Southern Miss, Dec. 21 in St. Petersburg, Fla. An ill-advised production with a preposterous title that's unlikely to have much of a plot, nor much of an audience. (Beef ‘O Brady…really? According to Pure Public Relations & Marketing in Tampa, B-O-B’s is the fastest growing, national chain of family sports pubs. Evidently, you can take your dog to dinner with you on Tuesdays…)

The 'Dead Man Walking' Bowl - Gator Bowl: Michigan vs. Mississippi State, Jan. 1 in Jacksonville, Fla. Embattled Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez is 15-21 in three seasons, and Stanford's Jim Harbaugh is potentially waiting in the wings. No word yet on whether Sister Helen Prejean is planning to take up Mr. Rodriguez's case.

The 'Brokeback Mountain' Bowl - Las Vegas Bowl: Boise State vs. Utah, Dec. 22 in Las Vegas. Two lonely and misunderstood Westerners find acceptance and fulfillment in a quiet rendezvous. (Good one!)

The 'Anger Management' Bowl - Alamo Bowl: Arizona vs. Oklahoma State, Dec. 29 in San Antonio. This is actually a comedy—so long as you're not the one being yelled at by combustible Arizona coach Mike Stoops or Oklahoma State's Mike Gundy, whose press-conference rant became a viral classic.

'The Godfather Part III' Bowl - Sun Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. Notre Dame, Dec. 31 in El Paso, Texas. Parts I and II of this series were among the most epic events in college-football history. This is the sequel that takes place years later and should have never been made.

The 'Dawn of the Dead' Bowl - Armed Forces Bowl: Army vs. SMU, Dec. 30 in Fort Worth, Texas. A classic zombie tale. SMU was once 'killed' by the NCAA and Army was…well, they were just awful at football.

The 'Planes, Trains and Automobiles' Bowl - Humanitarian Bowl: Fresno State vs. Northern Illinois, Dec. 18 in Boise, Idaho. A timeless comedy about the absurdity of bowl travel. Hilarity ensues as fans discover the paucity of direct flights to Boise.
The 'Being There' Bowl - Fiesta Bowl: Connecticut vs. Oklahoma, Jan. 1 in Glendale, Ariz. A modest, simple team that hasn't seen much of the world (beyond the Big East) somehow winds up hobnobbing with college football's high society.

The 'Groundhog Day' Bowl - Sugar Bowl: Arkansas vs. Ohio State, Jan. 4 in New Orleans. Ohio State knows the drill: Their alarm clock goes off, they show up at a bowl game and get beaten senseless by an SEC team—only to do it all over again the next season.

The 'A Beautiful Mind' Bowl - Cotton Bowl: LSU vs. Texas A&M, Jan. 7 in Arlington, Texas. Given his record, LSU coach Les Miles must be a football genius. The problem: He eats grass, has no concept of time and rambles incoherently in public.

The 'Mullholland Dr.' Bowl - Bowl: Miami (Ohio) vs. Middle Tennessee State, Jan. 6 in Mobile, Ala. What is this? What am I watching? We challenge you to figure it out. And sit through the whole thing.

The 'Magnolia' Bowl - Rose Bowl: Wisconsin vs. TCU, Jan. 1 in Pasadena, Calif. TCU's Horned Frogs hope to evoke the film's climactic scene, in which frogs rain from the sky in Southern California.

The 'Blade Runner' Bowl - BCS title game: Auburn vs. Oregon, Jan 10 in Glendale, Ariz. This game, which takes place in the future, pits a brave but flawed hero (played by Cam Newton) against a pack of genetically engineered robots.

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