Thursday, December 16, 2010

N.C. Governor Calls For Day of Mourning December 29th

Sources close to T.A.H. claim that North Carolina Governor Bev Perdue will hold a press conference sometime in the upcoming week to announce an official day of mourning for December 29, 2010.

On that day, Duke head coach Mike Krzwskbnd2ki is likely to pass the University of North Carolina’s Dean Smith in total number of wins the heavily-favored* Blue Devils defeat the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.

Last Saturday, Krzyznjl8ski's tallied his 878th victory, moving him two up on Kentucky's Adolph Rupp and putting him just one behind Smith for second place behind Bobby Knight's 902 wins. Coach K is likely to tie his former longtime rival at home against Elon on Dec. 20, then pass Smith with a win over the Spartans on Dec. 29 in the Greensboro Coliseum.

“It will be a sad day for public education in the state of North Carolina,” Perdue, a graduate of the University of Basketball in Lexington, KY, is rumored to be going to say at her future-yet-unscheduled press conference. “Dean Smith was both a basketball and social model, he opened doors, healed wounds, educated and enriched both the young men he coached and everyone he met, all under the umbrella of the state’s all-inclusive public university system.”

Perdue is likely to continue, saying, “Coach K has toiled long and hard for an elitist private basketball-focused university where he is beloved by a self- congratulating gaggle of nerd smart-asses who revel in his berating players, screaming at referees, Republican fundraisers, American Express commercials and…well, how can I say this delicately?...his tendency to win National Championships.”

The Governor is reportedly going to close the press conference by staring hard into the television cameras and saying “Hey you, Roy Williams, stay healthy, stay focused and win, win, win.”

Ol’ Roy, who is off on one of his renowned personal recruiting visits to some far flung locale unavailable by standard “one-stop” commercial air service, was unavailable for comment.

Through today, Williams has won 621 games, a mere 257 behind Coack K.

*For recreational purposes only.

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