Thursday, November 18, 2010

Special Edition: Dear Mr. Snyder

Very, very special.

That said, we fear this could do irreperable damage to our already dysfunctional relationship. (Oh, what's that you say? All of your relationships are dysfunctional...Hmmm...)

That said, let's begin.  There is this guy named Dave McKenna who writes for The City Paper in Washington, DC, you know the one. He has written an article titled “The Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder From A to Z (for Zorn), an encyclopedia of the owner's many failings.”

Here at T.A.H. Worldwide Media we must assign the letter “P” for "priceless."

There are a number of components that go into good writing. One, all to often ignored (especially here at T.A.H. where our crack research team is either playing golf or in bar somewhere or simply more inclined to make things up then actually discover the facts) is research.

Well…as President Reagan used to say…WELL, Mr. McKenna has done his research and nailed the delivery of this extraordinary compendium of your personal epic failures. It hurts, we know.

(Mr. Snyder, you know this hurts us as much as it hurts you.  We want the team to succeed and it’s hard to pull for the team and against the owner. We wanted to like you – local kid, loved the Joe Gibbs Redskins, grows up, gets rich, buys team and wants to return it to its former glory…and then…well…then the story gets rather ugly. Disappointing, at best and this very well crafted article very painfully memorializes the long horrific slide into the current abyss of wretchedness that is 4 for 37 of the past 41 third down conversion attempts and poor cardio-vascular fitness and its negative impact on the two minute drill and blah, blah, blah…)

Here are a few gems meant, not to deter you from reading the entire alphabet and numerical preface, but to motivate you to read the entire unfortunate diatribe and perhaps learn from this well-documented plethora of errors.

$30: Price Snyder charges for a doll of Fox Sports’ Cleatus the Robot in Redskins colors. Same doll is available on Fox’s website for $23.96.

31-36: Record Joe Gibbs had as coach with Dan Snyder as owner; Gibbs went 140-65 without Snyder as owner.

700 Pages: Length of the playbook brought to Redskins Park in 2006 by Al Saunders, who Snyder hired to call plays for Gibbs. In pre-Snyder era, Gibbs’ comparatively simple offensive schemes revolutionized the game and brought the Redskins three Super Bowls.

C: Casserly, Charley: Redskins general manager who played a lead role in assembling the 1991 Super Bowl championship team. Snyder fired him in 1999 to clear space for Vinny Cerrato, who played lead role in 1994 feature film Kindergarten Ninja.

D: Dan-Jazeera: How Al Koken, a former employee of Snyder-owned sports station WTEM, describes the Redskins owner’s media operation.

E: “Ewwwww!”: How Barbara Hyde, spokeswoman for the American Society for Microbiology, reacted to last year’s news that Snyder’s vendors were selling beer in the bathrooms.

F: Fan Appreciation Day: Gimmick used in 2006 by Snyder to draw people to FedExField, where he charged $25 to park to watch the team scrimmage and hear an address from Vinny Cerrato. The parking charge was not mentioned in the advertisements the team produced for the event.

H: Hill, Pat: Down-on-her-luck 73-year-old grandmother—and five-decade Redskins season-ticketholder—who was sued by the Redskins in 2009 because she could not afford to keep up payments on the 10-year, $50,000-plus club seats contract she’d signed.

R: Redskins Extra Points MasterCard: The only credit card Snyder told fans he’d accept for season ticket payments for the 2005 season. He withdrew the demand following a threatened ticketholder revolt and after MasterCard told the Redskins to drop it.

W: Weasel Stew: Menu item at the Princess Restaurant in Frostburg, Md., conceived in 2000 after the Redskins broke their training-camp lease with the local college…

From r to l: Crazy, Crazier, Craziest?
Z: Zorn: Verb meaning to humiliate an employee into quitting so the employer can avoid paying severance...

We may well retire the Dear Mr. Snyder thread after today because we simply can’t run with Mr. McKenna’s splendid work.

Our condolences on being embarrassed yet again and again and again...

Sincerely,

Your Loyal Fan

To read his entire list, click here.

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