Thursday, February 25, 2010


Everything was going along swimmingly for rookie head coach Tony Bennett at the University of Virginia...

Removed from the cold, wet, vampire and grunge infested great Northwest, Bennett was set to make a mark on ACC basketball. In January, his hoops squad had sole-possession of the league lead, and his home court was looking like the stone-cold-lead-pipe-lock for a win that it was in its debut season a few years back.

Undersized, thought by many to be under-talented and picked for last by the ACC media, the Cavaliers were making the best of the talents of top guard Sylvan Landesberg as well as rock-solid contributions from Mike Scott and Sammy Zeglinski. A solid ACC season seemed a given and a return to the Big Dance was being penciled in by the Hooville faithful.

Then it all hit the skids. After opening up 14-6 (5-2 ACC), the Wahoos have now lost six straight ACC games to Wake Forest, Virginia Tech, Maryland, Florida State, Clemson and Miami. The Cavaliers have cratered from first to eighth (5-8) in the league.

What happened?

Sources close to Virginia Tech basketball and two little know Hokie booster groups known as Hokie On-Line Omnipresent Internet Enthusiasts (HOOIE) and Boosters Unlimited Love and Lies Specifically to Hoist the Institution’s Tremendousness (BULLSHIT) have told T.A.H. that savvy operatives of the two groups have kidnapped their arch-rival's head coach and replaced him with Papa Johns Pizza founder John Schnatter.

Schnatter bears a striking resemblance to Bennett.

Growing up, Schnatter was a high school basketball fan at Jeffersonville High school in the hoops-crazed state of Indiana. He went on to become a college basketball fan at Ball State University. He once owned the same sweater as coaching legend Bobby Knight and is rumored to have thrown assorted objects at Papa Johns employees over the years that he built the company into one of the largest pizza franchises in America.

Upon graduation, he sold his beloved 1971 Chevrolet Camaro and used the coin to buy Mick’s Lounge where he started selling his besotted customers crappy pizza.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Schnatter was replaced as Papa Johns CEO in 2005 which gave him more time to build his resume and hone his skills as a college basketball fan. He was most recently in the news when he warned Americans on CNN not to eat too much pizza.

Sources from HOOIE and BULLSHIT also told T.A.H. that the original “Operation Wahoo's The Coach” called for Virginia’s head coach to be replaced surreptitiously by the other Tony Bennett. The ancient crooner was reportedly excited about the new gig and was said to be working on a arrangement of “I Left My Heart in John Paul Jones Arena” for home game pre-game introductions.

After a serious of meetings and focus groups, the Hokie boosters HOOIE and BULLSHIT determined that the Grammy winning singer (r) “simply didn’t know enough about basketball” to effectively execute the ruse.

*Items in italics may not be true.

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