Monday, January 11, 2010

EVIDENTLY, SOME VERY FUNNY THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN THIS YEAR

Gene Owens lives in Anderson, SC and he is FUNNY. Enjoy his piece on what’s gonna happen this year. (“The system works.”) We found April and May particularly humorous.

Don’t be scared off by its length, it’s worth it!

We came by it via the Greensboro News & Record.

January: President Obama says he’ll need 30,000 more troops to finish the job in Afghanistan. House/SenaBoldte Conference committee takes up health-care bill; House leaders conjure up $30 billion worth of pork for congressional districts with wavering representatives. Steve Spurrier hangs up his visor at the University of South Carolina after successful (7-6) season.

February: University of Florida signs Nick Saban as head football coach for $10 million a year, causing 100,000 Alabama fans to have heart attacks. South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford calls estranged wife, Jenny, on Valentine’s Day, seeking reconciliation. Jenny tells the governor to take a hike. “Birthers” claim President Obama is really Chinese; cite DNA evidence that he is descended from Peking Man.

March: Snopes Web site debunks Peking Man theory of presidential extraction; says Peking Man was an evolutionary dead end whose last survivor was Jesse Helms. Gate-crasher disguised as Bill Clinton slips past security as president and secretary of state board Air Force One for Hawaii. Hillary Clinton wrestles intruder to the floor; he says he was only trying to light the president’s cigarette. Janet Napolitano comments: “The system worked.” South Carolina Gamecocks look for another celebrity coach; Knute Rockne under consideration.

April: Gov. Sanford flies to Argentina for reunion with his “soul mate”; learns she’s out playing golf with Tiger Woods. Wavering members of Congress demand $20 billion more in pork in exchange for health care votes. University of Alabama replaces Saban with Sarah Palin, first woman head coach for a college football team. She insists that her experience as sports reporter for KTUU-TV in Anchorage qualifies her to lead the Crimson Tide.

May: John Edwards inquires about eligibility of running for governor of South Carolina; produces birth certificate showing he was born there. Palin names Joe the Plumber as defensive coordinator for the Crimson Tide. University of South Carolina learns Knute Rockne is dead, hears rumor that Joe Paterno is alive and offers him the job.

June: President Obama reports that the surge is working in Afghanistan: Al-Qaida is being driven into Pakistan. Republicans agree to support health care bill in exchange for turning Medicare and Medicaid over to a Wall Street consortium. Rush Limbaugh named new “voice of the Crimson Tide.” Joe Pa spurns Gamecocks; says he’s not ready to retire from Penn State. Bobby Bowden says he’s not interested, but has two sons who might want the job.

July: Terrorist plants time bomb on L.A.-bound passenger jet, then parachutes out over Sierra Nevada. Plane (miraculously) lands on time at LAX, and bomb goes off after the last passenger has deplaned. Hiker in the Sierras claims he saw bomber being captured and dismembered by Sasquatch, but was unable to photograph the scene because his digital camera’s memory stick was full. “The system worked,” says Janet Napolitano.

August: President Obama says he’ll need 40,000 more troops to invade Pakistan and wipe out al-Qaida. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says it would be cheaper to develop flying robots to replace live soldiers. NCAA accuses Crimson Tide of recruiting illegal aliens, bars it from any postseason bowl south of International Falls, Minn.

Palin insists the recruits weren’t aliens but were “real Americans,” Eskimos born in Wasilla. Gamecocks offer coaching job to Mike Leach, ousted coach at Texas Tech. Leach declines for medical reasons.

September: Pentagon awards Japanese consortium a contract to develop and build the flying robots. Intrusive scanners banned at airports. Birthers claim one saw through President Obama’s wallet and detected a Kenyan birth certificate.

October: Snopes reveals that airport scanners did not reveal President Obama’s birth certificate, but did pick up containers of Viagra in congressional pockets. Transportation Security Administration looks into developing miniature drone aircraft to be known as “the Gnat” to fly into travelers’ pockets and underthings in search of weapons and hidden bombs.

November: Health care package hits snag over ACLU demands that it cover steroids for underachieving athletes who want equal opportunity with superjocks. Crimson Tide has unbeaten season despite Joe the Plumber’s leaky defense. Accepts invitation to play University of Connecticut in Ice Bowl in Gravina, Alaska, across the newly constructed bridge from Ketchikan. Limbaugh calls it “the bowl to nowhere.” Coachless Gamecocks have banner year, finishing 8-5.

December: Pentagon drops plan for flying robots: Japanese products tend to dive into the decks of naval vessels instead of flying into Pakistan. Al-Qaida retreats into India, where members take undercover jobs as technical support for AT&T.

House and Senate agree to junk health care plan and replace it with the one that’s already working in Mexico. Tiger Woods announces he’s quitting golf for good and plans to take tennis lessons from Venus Williams. Crimson Tide wins Ice Bowl 9-7 after U. Conn’s potential game-winning field goal freezes in mid-air.

Sarah Palin announces she will leave Alabama with four years remaining on her contract; declines comment on reports she will seek to replace Katie Couric at CBS. Bill Dooley accepts coaching job at South Carolina. World inches toward sanity.

As Tom Shales is wont to say, “Pay the man, Shirley!”

(*Items in italics may not be true.)

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