
Don’t be scared off by its length, it’s worth it!
We came by it via the Greensboro News & Record.
January: President Obama says he’ll need 30,000 more troops to finish the job in Afghanistan. House/Sena


March: Snopes Web site debunks Peking Man theory of presidential extraction; says Peking Man was an evolutionary dead end whose last survivor was Jesse Helms. Gate-crasher disguised as Bill Clinton slips past security as president and secretary of state board Air Force One for Hawaii. Hillary Clinton wrestles intruder to the floor; he says he was only trying to light the president’s cigarette. Janet Napolitano comments: “The system worked.” South Carolina Gamecocks look for another celebrity coach; Knute Rockne under consideration.

May: John Edwards inquires about eligibility of running for governor of South Carolina; produces birth certificate showing he was born there. Palin names Joe the Plumber as defensive coordinator for the Crimson Tide. University of South Carolina learns Knute Rockne is dead, hears rumor that Joe Paterno is alive and offers him the job.

July: Terrorist plants time bomb on L.A.-bound passenger jet, then parachutes out over Sierra Nevada. Plane (miraculously) lands on time at LAX, and bomb goes off after the last passenger has deplaned. Hiker in the Sierras claims he saw bomber being captured and dismembered by Sasquatch, but was unable to photograph the scene because his digital camera’s memory stick was full. “The system worked,” says Janet Napolitano.

Palin insists the recruits weren’t aliens but were “real Americans,” Eskimos born in Wasilla. Gamecocks offer coaching job to Mike Leach, ousted coach at Texas Tech. Leach declines for medical reasons.
September: Pentagon awards Japanese consortium a contract to develop and build the flying robots. Intrusive scanners banned at airports. Birthers claim one saw through President Obama’s wallet and detected a Kenyan birth certificate.
October: Snopes reveals that airport scanners did not reveal President Obama’s birth certificate, but did pick up containers of Viagra in congressional pockets. Transportation Security Administration looks into developing miniature drone aircraft to be known as “the Gnat” to fly into travelers’ pockets and underthings in search of weapons and hidden bombs.

December: Pentagon drops plan for flying robots: Japanese products tend to dive into the decks of naval vessels instead of flying into Pakistan. Al-Qaida retreats into India, where members take undercover jobs as technical support for AT&T.

Sarah Palin announces she will leave Alabama with four years remaining on her contract; declines comment on reports she will seek to replace Katie Couric at CBS. Bill Dooley accepts coaching job at South Carolina. World inches toward sanity.
As Tom Shales is wont to say, “Pay the man, Shirley!”
(*Items in italics may not be true.)
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