Thursday, October 22, 2009

FORMER TAR HEEL POPULAR WITH LOCAL CONSTABLES FOR REASONS THAT ARE HARD TO FATHOM

Former University of North Carolina Tar Heel and current Pittsburgh Steeler place kicker, Jeff Reed is having some difficulty avoiding the local authorities of late.

Already dubbed the “Liquor Kicker” by some sports blogs with much lower journalistic standards than T.A.H., Reed, was charged by police on Sunday with public intoxication just hours after his team topped Cleveland with a 27-14 win. Additional rumors uncovered by T.A.H. suggest the arresting officer either had a wager on the game or is a closet member of the “Dawg Pound.”

He was picked up by police just blocks from Heinz Field at McFadden’s Bar. (Additional rumors heard by extremely reliable T.A.H. staffers say Reed went directly to the watering hole at the completion of the game. For the record, we are shocked by this.)

Earlier this year Reed pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct after he damaged a paper towel dispenser in a convenience store bathroom in New Alexandria.

(T.A.H. sources maintain that the mild-mannered, generally sober and completely professional Reed was attacked by the towel dispenser which was manufactured by a company headed up by a Duke grad. Reed’s counsel is still looking for witnesses to this unprovoked attack.)

A court date for the latest infraction with the law has yet to be set.
As you can see from the photos, these charges are clearly unsubstantiated and ridiculous.


(And yes, bonus points for using “constable” and “fathom” in the same headline.)



















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