Wednesday, April 1, 2009


Folks in Tallahassee are calling it “a miracle.”

The Suits In Kansas, also known as the NCAA, announced this morning that they were completely wrong about what the punishment needed to be for the cheating scandal at Florida State.

Reacting quickly and decisively to a letter written by FSU President T.K. “Couldn’t Stand The” Wetherell to the NCAA Committee on Infractions on March 17th of this year, the Myles “Behind” Brand-led organization decided to immediately reexamine its "entire penalty structure."

Even though the cheating involved every sport at the school (over 217) and the overwhelming majority of the “student athletes” (estimated to be as high as 13,598), the whiz kids from Tornadoville slashed the “totally unfair” punishment previously announced.

Now instead of forfeiting scholarships and reversing victories, the traffic cops over in Stupid Rules World have decided to actually give the Seminoles more scholarship and reverse some losses.

Needless to say this caused much joy (almost to the point of a post Maryland big win riot) on campus and throughout Bowden households all over the land. Except at three of the sons houses who issued statements about “Dad getting all the breaks.”

The final bit of icing on the garnet and gold cake was when it was revealed that Florida State would be able to choose the six losses to now reverse into overwhelming victories.

Coach Bowden and his ever loyal boosters held an emergency meeting of the Chop Chop Tomahawk You Get What You Pay For Club and made a very quick decision on the losses to reverse.

Sighting Bowden’s seniority - the elder Bowden has been coaching Florida State for 149 years - the “boosters” allowed Bowden a single pick. His choice surprised no one when he instantly blurted out “the dadgum 2006 Orange Bowl” when we lost to “that dadburn bastard Joe Pa” in triple overtime 26-23.

The money men then chose, again to no one’s surprise, Wide Right 1 (Gerry Thomas), Wide Right 2 (Dan Mowrey), Wide Right 3 (Matt Munyon), Wide Right 4 (Xavier Beitia) and Wide Left (Xavier Beitia) as the other five games.

Officials at Miami and Penn State could not be reached for comment.

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