Friday, April 3, 2009

ARGHHHH! STUPID GOVERNMENT RUINS TERPS' ANTI-FINAL FOUR

Since those crazy kids in College Park had no Terp in the fight at the Final Four, the question was "What are we gonna do instead?"

Well, the answer was pretty obvious to those wizards at the student theatre at the University of Maryland: PORN!

Yep, they decided to show the XXX film "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge" and, needless to say, tickets were selling fast.

While, "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge," was mysteriously overlooked by those stuffy Oscar folks, it does have an interesting plot. Evidently, pirate hunter Captain Edward Reynolds and his blond first mate, Jules Steel, return where they are recruited by a shady governor general to find a darkly sinister Chinese empress pirate, named Xifing, and her group of Arab cutthroats, whom are trying to resurrect the late Victor Stagnetti, the world's most feared pirate, from the grave to bring on world domination.

Apparently, achieving world domination involves a lot of sex.

But, wait! Enter, the Maryland General Assembly.

Yesterday, during a budget debate, conservative Senator Andrew P. Harris offered an amendment to the budget that would withhold state funding to any school that aired a Triple X movie. C'mon, everybody loves a good pirate flick!

Now the administrators over at UM love a good time, but forgoing $424 million a year seemed a bit much.

No more movie - plug pulled - literally.

Needless to say, the students were incensed. Don't be shocked if beer is consumed and something gets set on fire.

OK, kids, what have we learned?

Answer: Sen. Andrew P. Harris, left, is a fuddy-duddy, and Senate President Thomas V. Mike Miller Jr. (right) really needs a haircut.

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