Tuesday, March 31, 2009

JOKES OVER: CAVS HIRE TONY BENNETT

Surprise!

OK, Wahoos, you can stop tracking Tubby’s airplane and spreading rumors about Capel’s family’s drug habits, Tony Bennett, who led Washington State to its first appearance in the Sweet 16 of the NCAA tournament in 2008, will be named head coach at Virginia whether you like it or not.

(T.A.H. polling suggests that students, alums and fans are not thrilled with the hire. With limited polling data in at this early hour, T.A.H. is putting significant weight on Dr. A.G. Wahoos poll response of “F*** ME!!!!!”)

Washington State director of athletics Jim Sterk confirmed that Bennett has accepted the head-coaching position at Virginia on Tuesday.

Bennett led the Cougars to consecutive NCAA tournament appearances before finishing 17-16 this past season.

“Look, he was one game over .500 this season, and that has University of Virginia basketball written all over it,” said Craig Littlepage, UVA Athletic Director.

While Littlepage was reportedly “stunned and disturbed” by the 362 coaches who failed to return his phone calls since former coach Dave Leitao “resigned,” he doggedly continued the search until he found what sources close to the Wahoo Athletic Department were calling “our man.”

“It was really a no-brainer,” continued Littlepage. “Bennett is uniquely qualified – he’s the Mid-Continent Conference's all-time leader in points (2,285) and assists (601). He still ranks as the NCAA's all-time leader in 3-point percentage (.497). Who better to teach our guys how to shoot three pointers than a guy who could shoot three pointers?”

Gotta admit, it’s hard to argue with that logic.

Littlepage concluded saying, “In addition to his incredible coaching qualifications, you have to admit, he looks like a UVA guy. Look at him…young, clean cut…His wife told me he even owns a bow tie.”

(No, she didn’t mention Zima, but she hasn’t returned T.A.H.’s phone call yet.)

Virginia insiders were hoping the school would land a big name, brand product coach like Minnesota's Tubby Smith or Oklahoma's Jeff Capel or Texas' Rick Barnes or LSU's Trent Johnson.

After the hiring of Bennett leaked out, each coach made a comment about the Hoos’ coaching opening.

“I’m done with basketball in the south and rednecks calling me the “n” word when you don’t beat a small in-state college by 30 points in November,” said Smith. “Give the Cubagges and all those hoop crazed hillbillies up on Afton Mountain my regards.”

“Why would I want to go to UVA and get my a** kicked by North Carolina?” asked Jeff Capel. “I just got my a** kicked by North Carolina, why would I want to do it two, maybe three, times a year? Remember, I went to Duke, that’s not gonna sit well on any side of the aisle.”

“Have you been to Austin?” queried current Texas coach and past Clemson coach Rick Barnes, “The slogan for the place is ‘Keep Austin Weird,’ who’s leaving that? Besides, I still have a restraining order that says I can’t get within 500 feet of Dean Smith and that’s going to make the “at UNC” game a bit uncomfortable.”

“Actually,” said LSU coach Trent Johnson, “I like my job, and I’m a BIG football fan…”

Local Wash State grad G. Cougar Bengston said, “Wahoo bastards stole my coach!”

*Items in italics may not be true.

5 comments:

  1. "One game over .500 this year and that has UVA bball written all over it."

    Hilarious.

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  2. Uncle Fester still thinks that a number of non-agrarian folks are certifiably insane since vpi could not make the NCAA dance. That’s really disconcerting about Fester given the fact that he lost to our worst team in twenty something years. Yes, there's always football.
    All is not lost my good man, you can’t spell Virginia polytec without NIT. Even Dell knows this.

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  3. more like Bourbon...

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  4. As a UVa fan, I think this is very very funny. Good work. The Littlepage quotes are genius.

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  5. UVa grad here....I gotta give you credit; the above is very funny.

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