Monday, November 10, 2008

TOLY HANSBROUGH© TOP GUN?

As if the recruiting battle for the skills of multi-sport star Toly Hansbrough© weren’t complicated enough, things have now taken a new vexing turn.

While a bevy of major colleges compete for Toly’s incredible skills, and at least two coaches at the University of North Carolina have publicly argued over who has first “dibs” on the former FYF Colt and FBR Yankee T-Ball All-star, the plot got dramatically thicker when retired USN Top Gun instructor Dirt Callahan recommended Toly for the United States Navy Strike Fighter Tactics Instructor (SFTI) program in Fallon, Nevada.

SFTI is what we civilians refer to as Top Gun.

“I’ve been watching this Toly kid for some time,” said Dirt, a self-admitted “damn good pilot” who now roams the halls of the U.S. Congress on behalf of Lockheed Martin and is rumored to be the brains (or at least the sometimes carpooler with the brains) behind the F-35.

“I’m reasonably sure that with minimal instruction he will be able to quickly master the A-4, A-5 and the F-16A Fighting Falcon. The F-16B Fighting Falcon may give him a little trouble due to his persistent habit of running into things with his face,” said Dirt.

Toly is currently being reviewed by the N7 brass, and a decision on his admission is due shortly before Christmas. According to Toly’s parents, they plan to “redouble our efforts to keep him out of the Emergency Room (now called the Emergency Department or ED) between now and then.”

To make matters even more complicated, several other branches of the military have joined the collection of NCAA universities courting Toly’s services. AEW (TOP DOME), JTAC (run by SEALs), "Strike U" (N5), Airborne Electronic Attack and Maritime Weapons Schools, the United States Air Force Weapons School (POPGUN), the US Marine Corps Aviation & Weapons Tactics Squadron - One (MAWTS-1), the Marine Corps Air Station Yuma, VMFT-401, and the Marine’s Weapons & Tactics Instructors School (WTI) are all vying for Toly’s services.

“Have you seen this kid wield a sword? He’s a born Zombie killer,” said an unidentified retired Marine and VT Hokie (rumored to be Jim “The General” Bounds).

An impressed, but befuddled Toly said “Where’s Nevada, and do they have an El Agave?”

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