Thursday, September 11, 2008

TOLY HANSBROUGH© INJURED

Future Tar Heel standout, TOLY HANSBROUGH©, was injured Wednesday afternoon in what coaches are describing as a “non-football” incident.

Evidently, Toly was walking backward towards his bus when he decided to turn around and walk forward like a normal kid. Unfortunately for the future multi-sport star, there was a steel column waiting to greet him. The abrupt stop resulted in a head laceration that required three stitches, two deserts, a slice of pizza and a cookie to repair.

Asked if the pole moved when it encountered the force that is "the one-and-only TOLY HANSBROUGH©", Toly said, “I don’t know. Good question, though.”

In the Emergency Department of the Fauquier Health System (winner of the J.D. Power and Associates “Best Community Non-Profit Hospital Located on a Hill Award” for eight of the past nine years), Toly informed a Cedar Lee middle school footballer that the post “had a nail on it.” The story was later amended to include coyotes and sharks (both Great Whites and Hammerheads).

As result, Toly will not be available to UNC head coach Butch Davis when the Tar Heels face Rutgers tonight in Piscataway. Davis had leaked to various media outlets earlier in the week that he had a new “secret weapon” for tonight’s non-conference skirmish.

UNC basketball coach and Hall of Famer, Roy Williams quipped, “Did it hurt his brain?…nah, couldn’t have!”

Worse yet, Toly will miss his FYF Colt’s practice tonight and be unable to play in both the FHS Spirit Night Exhibition during half time of the Fauquier HS v. Stafford HS game under the lights at Falcon Field and the FYF Colts’ second regular season game this Saturday against the FYF Seahawks. According to sources in Vegas, the line on that game moved from Colts (-21) to Colts (-20) when the word of Toly’s injury hit the AP sports' wire. As of this writing, the line had recovered to Colts (-28).

The injury comes at a disappointing time for Toly who has spent the past two weeks with his personal coaches “TAH Dad” and “Well…No Bronco” working on a) widening the base of his three point stance, b) keeping his head up in said stance, c) firing off the ball, d) driving his feet after making contact and e) paying attention to his teachers/coaches/parents/game. According to various onlookers, all but the last one were a success.

Toly will be in attendance for both the scrimmage and the game this weekend to “support my dudes.”

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