According to Chinese news censors…um…uh…we mean Chinese news sources, intrepid U.S. cyclist Gary “Mr. Hinkman” Hicklin will join the U.S. Olympic team in the closing ceremonies on Sunday night now that Republican nominee John McCain has named him his VP.
Hinkman flew himself and his bike to China earlier this week for his victorious ride into Beijing. Chinese officials say, the 27-year-old man (wink, wink) from The Plains, will ride from the China Sea (pictured) to the Great Wall. Hinkman (who now has a full head of hair as any VP candidate should – wink, wink) will then ride the entire length of the Great Wall of China in a mere 48 hours (a new world record, wink, wink) before entering the Birdsnest with the U.S. team (wink, wink).
Chinese Olympic’s officials agreed to sponsors Hicklin/Hinkman’s historic journey when his agent (Lise Hinkman) struck a deal whereby Gary’s racing jersey will say “CHINA: The Air Is Cleaner Than You Think” on the front and “CHINESE GYMNASTS: They’re All 16 In Dog Years!!” on the back. His bike will be covered with McCain stickers.
“It’s a win, win scenario,” said the senator from Arizona.
Politics aside, Hicklin/Hinkman’s “unofficial” reason for attending is to promote the new Olympic sport of “Transcontinental Cycling Without Getting Hit by A Truck or Eaten By A Bear.” The sport was scheduled to debut in London in 2012, but has postponed because England only has Lorries and no bears.
The London Olympic Committee is appealing the ruling based on the simple fact that “we might still have a couple of badgers, and hedgehogs are more aggressive than you might think. (no winking)”