Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Like many other college towns, Chapel Hill is full of idealistic kids and academic types looking to make the world a better place (their version of better.) To no one’s surprise, Chapel Hill has historically tended to be politically liberal, and some might say “soft” on crime.

In fact, disgruntled conservatives have referred to the town as "The People's Republic of Chapel Hill," while former U.S. Senator Jesse Helms once said that “North Carolina doesn’t need a zoo, they could just build a fence around Chapel Hill.”

So, the Chapel Hillians may be agoggle over Obama while hugging trees and holding their 1,423,569th anti-war rally, but now they are CRACKING DOWN on crime too.

Just this week, Chapel Hill police chief Brian J. Curran has announced that his squad will start enforcing some obscure North Carolina laws. “Although these laws have been on the books for many years,” said Curran, “we have never seen any reason to pursue them until now when one of our young student athletes placed himself in atypical harm’s way.”

“The traumatic events of last week made all of us with a law and order focus realize that certain crimes simply must be addressed if we are to protect the welfare of our citizens from both themselves and others,” he continued.

Last week, UNC point guard Ty Lawson, who is in the process of trying-out for various NBA teams prior to this month’s draft, was charged with “driving after drinking.” Evidently, under age Ty made the mistake of having a few pops and riding down the main drag at 3 a.m. with the tunes in his car blasting. Evidently, the fair folks of Chapel Hill may be extremely tolerant of certain things but they do like a good night’s sleep (unless, of course, they are conducting their 1,423,570th anti-war rally.)

Subsequently, the Chapel Hill police are now actively seeking arrests for a variety of crimes ranging from the Class 1 felony of “smoking after sex” to the misdemeanor crime of “sleeping after working.”

“Crimes such as “driving after drinking” and “yelling obscenities after striking one’s thumb with a hammer” simply cannot, and will not, be tolerated in our community,” said Chapel Hill mayor Kevin Foy.

“Never mind that we have limits which determine whether or not a driver’s ability is impaired or under the influence, in our fair city, we don’t want anybody to get in a car after they have been drinking at all, which might explain exactly why nobody from the water or sanitation departments showed up for work today."

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