Tuesday, April 1, 2008


After 28 (well 27, if you don’t count 1994-95) years at the helm of one of America’s elite collegiate basketball programs and over 800 wins, Duke University head coach Mike Krzyzewski will announce at a press conference today that he is resigning his post.

Krzyzewski, in a prepared statement, said he is looking forward to spending more time with his wife and pursuing their shared passion for screaming “traveling” every time the University of North Carolina’s three-time All-American and ACC Player of the Year Tyler Hansbrough touches the ball. In addition, he has grown weary of subpar performances by his players in the ACC and NCAA tournaments, and the criticism he now receives from “wet behind the ear kids writing for the Duke Chronicle” and "stupid bloggers" acting like journalists with some knowledge of the game of basketball. (Hey, who's he callin' "stupid?")

Krzyzewski also said he had grown weary of the conspiracy being orchestrated by NBA head coaches and General Managers designed to keep former Blue Devils from succeeding at the next level. “It’s all about diminishing my accomplishments as a leader and corporate salesperson,” Krzyzewski said.

The fact that Duke’s only future star, Taylor King, announced yesterday that he is transferring (no kidding) may have been the last straw for the beleaguered coach who is known for his spicy vocabulary. Noting a similar move by Josh (Irish Julia) McRoberts who ran from Durham straight to the NBA D-League last year, Krzyzewski said, “Damn bunch of (bleep) (bleep) quitters, I’m (bleeping) done with all there(bleeping) sorry (bleeping) (bleeps).”

Athletic Director Joe Aleva, the winner of the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize for his brilliant handling of the Duke Lacrosse fiasco, has appointed a search committee to find a replacement for the Blue Devils’ Hall of Fame Coach. Both ESPN analysts Dick (Dookie V) Vitale and Robert Montgomery Knight will serve on the search committee. Currently, Vitale, who immediately proclaimed himself Interim Team Spokesperson upon hearing the tragic news, told the media that Knight is the leading candidate to replace Krzyzewski.

(Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images and Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

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