Tuesday, April 1, 2008

DUKE RECRUITS FLOOR-SLAPPER

Still reeling from a second round NCAA Tournament exit, the transfer of budding young superstar Taylor King followed by the shocking and sudden departure of their leader, head coach Mike Krzyzewski, the Duke basketball program received a much-needed piece of good news today when the nation’s premier high school floor-slapper announced his decision to play in Durham next winter.

Bradley Grayson, out of Marshall High School in Spokane, Wash., led the nation in floor-slaps this season with an eye-popping 38.2 per game.

“I’ve seen some great floor-slappers in my day,” said Interim Duke Spokesperson Dick Vitale, “But this kid is the best. His faux intensity is amazing. JUST AMAZING, BABY!”

Dickie V’s excitement is not unfounded. Scouting services rave about Grayson’s floor-slapping.

“You can literally feel the floor shake when Grayson slaps it.” – Scout.com

“Dust the floor for prints after any game – you’ll find his hand prints on 95-percent of it.” – Rivals.com

With Duke searching for answers as to why the once-feared program has become a rather easy out each March, Grayson’s commitment comes just in time.

“You know, they really need to get back to how Duke basketball was a decade ago, baby” said the Interim Spokesperson Vitale. “Greg Paulus went from diaper dandy to flopper and complainer just like every other great point guard they have had here, but Duke just doesn’t have a player who slaps the floor the way Steve Wojciechowski or Bobby Hurley did when they were prime time. Those guys would come in after games with their palms bleeding. If that’s not the mark of good defense as taugh by a legendary Hall of Fame coach, I don’t know what is.”

Current college basketball analyst Hubert Davis, who played 12 years in the NBA and is a 1992 University of North Carolina graduate, says he agrees a dearth of floor-slappers is indeed Duke’s biggest problem.

“People laugh at it, but that’s the point,” said Davis. “You’re dribbling down the court, and all of a sudden, some toolbag starts slapping the floor in front of you. You start laughing at him. It gets you off your game. You almost feel bad for the pathetic little guy. And that gives them an advantage.”

Grayson says he hopes to come in and make an immediate impact.

“I’m just going to keep working on my floor slaps,” he said. “And Coach K has sent me some tapes to watch on how to flop. Basically, it’s just if my man gets within six inches of me, I hurtle backwards through the air like I’ve stepped on a land mine. Beyond that, I’m just staying out of the sun as much as possible. Got to keep that melanin down, you know.”

“He quit, Coach K quit? Nobody told me that.”

(Props to SportsPickle.com for the story. Yes, TAH modified it slightly...OK, a lot.)

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