Wednesday, March 26, 2008

THE SECRET TO UNDER-9 GIRLS HOOPS

For all of you aspiring coaches out there, TAH wants to shed a little light on a good way to jump start that no-doubt-bound-for-the-Final-Four coaching career you’ve been contemplating (or worse yet, actually living out).

You start off slowly, maybe a nice little girls team. Now, coaching at this level is really pretty easy. Your goal is to:

1) Teach the girls the offensive fundamentals of the game…the pass, the bounce pass, the pass to your teammate not the opponent, the jump stop, the layup and the basic principles of the fast break.
2) Teach the girls the defensive fundamentals of the game…girl-to-girl defense, the 2-1-2 zone, and how to steal the ball while committing a minimum of fouls. Shot blocking is optional and size dependent.
3) Teach the girls the fundamentals of good sportsmanship. Don’t yell f*** no matter what (not them, you.) It’s a good rule. Enforce it.

Then on Saturday, you go out and try to kick the livin’ crap out of the other guy’s under-9 girls team. You press…yes, full court, what are you a wimp? And your girls run the court like UNLV and Arkansas’ old coaches Jerry Tarkanian and Noland Richardson are chasing them.

Every time the other girls touch the ball you SCREAM “STEAL IT.” And every time your girls touch the ball you SCREAM “GO, GO, GO.” Those sweet children will be playing tough D and runnin’ the floor like Ty Lawson and Ol’ Roy’s Tar Heels in no time. (Eight- and nine-year-olds never raise a fist and asked to be subbed. They NEVER get tired.)

If all else fails, just make sure that when you go to the preseason draft to set up your team, you make sure to draft one kid that has both height (uncoachable) and some mad skills (coachable).

Presto-changeo, your Wolfs can be champs too!

*Any resemblance to any real person (Wolfs or no Wolfs) in the accompanying photo is purely a ridiculous coincidence.

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