Monday, February 18, 2008

THE EVIL GENIUS OF ROGER CLEMENS

It’s possible the Roger Clemens is lying to Roger Clemens. It's certainly possible that he’s lying to his family, the media, Congress, and even to his own lawyers. It’s possible that Roger Clemens is lying to everyone because just this once, lying just might work.

If Clemens has decided to deny allegations of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) use to everybody including himself, and put the rap on his wife Debbie, he may be even smarter than Dr. Evil or Mark Cuban.

If no hard evidence emerges that links Clemens’ toosh with a needle with some lingering remnants of performance enhancing drugs, then Clemens will never be convicted, and perhaps not even tried, for purgery. Without any such evidence, Clemens plan is BRILLIANT!

Clemens wants to preserve his legacy and retain his hold on what was, until recently, a shoe-in for first-year-eligibility Hall of Fame membership. If you recall, in the span of one day in front of Congress, Marc McGuire talked himself right out of the Hall. Not long after, Rafael Palmero chucked his Hall aspirations in the dumpster after grandstanding and finger pointing in Mr. Mitchell’s Washington.

But Clemens seems to have a plan to avoid such a fall from grace.

Deny, deny, deny, deny, deny and then…deny some more.

Luckily his chief accuser isn’t exactly squeaky clean. Clemens is gambling that Brian MacNamee’s track record is cloudy enough to cast a substantial late evening shadow over the trainer’s credibility. MacNamee claims he gave Clemens, Andy Pettitte and Chuck Knoblock PEDs. Two of the three confirm it. Pettitte says he and Clemens had a conversation about using HGH, but Clemens says Pettitte was mistaken and he was really talking about wife Debbie using HGH some two years in the future…Huh?

So the question begs, why would he tell the truth about two guys, but lie about Clemens?

We don’t know, but here’s where a normally good strategy takes the on ramp to Interstate Evil Genius. While it didn’t work out so well for Michael Vick, Clemens is a sports guy and he knows that a good offense is the best defense.

So Clemens and his lawyers, who are no doubt working for free and who generally spurn all publicity (hey, we’re kidding), DEMAND a hearing on Capitol Hill, or so says Rep. Henry Waxman. This gives a cool, calm and collected World Series veteran yet another opportunity to throw his best pitch on a big stage in front of a national TV audience. Advantage, Rocket.

So, to maximize this self-made opportunity, the Rocket abandons his normally surly public persona and becomes Mr. Nice Guy…so nice that he goes to Capitol Hill to glad hand adoring baseball fans who just happen to be Congressmen and their equally adoring baseball worshipping staffers. This works out nicely for the Roger as some of these simps actually defend him publicly during the hearings even though they have absolutely no idea whether or not he is telling the truth. Game, set, match, Rocket.

Some guys are just more susceptible to lobbying than others. Luckily for us, those folks are serving in the U.S. Congress.

So far, the evil genius strategy is working. Nobody knows who is telling the truth and most legal analysts say, in spite of various government claims to the contrary, that it will be difficult, if not impossible, to convict either man of purgery based on what we know so far.

Barring any clearly admissible evidence, Roger Clements may deny his way all the way to Cooperstown.

And for that, we reward him with…

Nice, Roger, NICE!



(Photos by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images and AP Photos/Susan Walsh)

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