Thursday, February 21, 2008

DUKE “UNOFFICIAL OFFICIAL” INJURY REPORT

After an otherwise uneventful press conference following Duke’s shocking second straight loss to a second-tier ACC team, head coach Mike Krzyfgvmq9ski leaked an internal “Duke Basketball – For Our Eyes Only” memo to the media.

Cleverly written in Chris Collins' handwriting to create plausible deniability for Coach K, the memo was titled The “Official Unofficial Duke Basketball Injury Report – For Everybody Else’s Eyes Only Because Officially We Don’t Issue Injury Reports Like That Other School (in Chapel Hill.)”

It read as follows:

“Not that it’s any of your damn business, but Coach K’s back hurts just a teeny tiny bit. His condition gets worse as needed.

The Duke Medical Center is confident that Wojo has what they are now calling Wojoitis – a condition that causes pain in the hands from pounding on a hard surface between the ages of 18 and 21. His condition gets worse every 45 years vs. Miami.

Johnny Dawkins has developed a nasty twitch from sitting on the bench in such close proximity to Coach K’s obscenity laced tirades at other ACC coaches, players and refs. His condition gets worse every game.


The report went on to say that: Greg "Raggedy Andy" Paulus has been nursing a bad case of vertigo which causes him to fall on the floor with arms flailing every time he sees the colors Carolina blue, red, green, gold, scarlet, maroon or orange. Again, the Duke Medical Center has stepped in and named the condition “Flops.” Officials there state emphatically that they invented the term. His condition gets worse every 45 years vs. Miami.

DeMarcus “Admiral” Nelson has the worlds’ smallest case of the bends (but, the bends just the same) and a touch of scurvy. His condition gets worse every 45 years vs. Miami.

Gerald "Hitman" Henderson’s amazing vertical leap has led to an illness that manifests itself through spontaneous nose bleeds. If G-Hen sees a picture of Tyler Hansbrough or hears Hansbrough’s
name, his snoz gushes even more than usual. The blood loss causes light headness that leads to turnovers, and poor decisions. His condition gets worse every 45 years vs. Miami.
Brian "I Can't Run, But I Can Walk Much Faster Than This" Zoubek who is recently back from a painful, debilitating (but unreported) “little piggy” injury is still suffering from Into Thin Air Syndrome. This is a condition where The Zoubs height causes his brain to actually believe that he lives in the Death Zone found high on Mt. Everest. This causes him to be tentative and not terribly self-assertive making it unlikely that he will ever fulfill his potential. (Hey, if you thought you could die at any moment, you’d be a little off your game as well.) His condition gets worse every 45 years vs. Miami.

Lance "Nabs" Thomas is battling Perimeter’olet disease. This is an extremely rare disease that makes its victims afraid of any part of the basketball court outside of the “paint.” This is particularly debilitating as the other issue related to this disease is extreme fatigue caused by an irrational fear of Chevrolets. (Thomas’ mother - Lily Irvin, is a head manager at a Ford plant in New Jersey). His condition gets worse every 45 years vs. Miami.

Poor Kyle "LeStat de Lioncourt" Singler is battling a nasty case of Vampireis Epidermis. This is an extremely rare cond
ition that causes the skin to turn so white that it is practically translucent. Subsequently, the skin becomes super sensitive to everything including sunlight and coeds of any type. His condition gets worse every 45 years vs. Miami.

John "Crazy Face" Scheyer has, as has been well documented by TAH, been “afflicted” with mini-seizures since the first day he set foot on the Duke campus and heard Coach K’s shrill scream. According to Scheyer, the bizarre facial contortions aren’t painful, but they are “distracting.” His condition gets worse every 45 years vs. Miami.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with Taylor "Far, Far, Away, Dom" King. He just shoots the damn rock every time he touches it which pisses EVERYBODY off.

His condition couldn’t possibly get any worse.

Ol' Roy could not be reached for comment.

(Photo by Kevin C. Cox and Doug Benc/Getty Images)



3 comments:

  1. "Lame" -- is that a joke? Sorry, you lost your sense of humor... -- TAH

    ReplyDelete
  2. Previous 2 comments by brainwashed dook fans!

    ReplyDelete

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