Friday, July 13, 2007


Rumors floating around the coastal areas of Eastern North Carolina make outrageous claims about a famous former college baseball player. According to sources close to the water, the former star player from a Mid-major college named after a president located in the Shenandoah Valley in a town that starts with the letter "H" that sources refuse to name (JMU), has abandoned his family and his job selling construction equipment for a major company that starts with the letter "B" that sources won't name (Bobcat) to romp around the intracoastal waterway on a stolen yacht near a town on the lower outer banks, that has two names, the first of which starts with an "M" that sources won't name (Morehead City).

According to one normally reliable source, the famous baller recently had a "meltdown of sorts...well more of a short circuit of his already shorted circuits" when the College World Series was played and he was "reminded" about the game when the University of Baseball in Texas' Roger "The Rocket" Clemens struck him out 29 times on national television...

We believe the missing person ,who we won't name here (Kat), is lounging on the fly bridge in the picture above...
Both Lindsey Lohan and Brittney Spears have been linked to the Katbird in other news reports.


Evidently there is a banner at Fenway Park that reads: RED SOX: 2004 World Series Champions. Can that be right?

Oh, and it does appear that Manny wears his pajamas to work...

...and who were all those dead people out in the outfield at Yankee stadium. I think one has a disease named after him and another a candy bar, not sure. Isn’t Mickey Mantle a liver malfunction? I don’t get baseball…

Is it 5 o’clock yet?

I still miss hockey.


The next big world conflict won’t involve the U.S. and Iran or the U.S. and North Korea or the U.S. and anybody for that matter (not that Dennis Rodman didn’t give it his best shot.) No, the next world conflict will be when Finland gets pissed and goes all postal on Estonia. Why, you ask?

Because those pesky Estonians from wherever Estonia is are now dominating the Finnish traditional Annual Wife Carrying World Championships. The race was held last week for the 12th time and Estonians took gold and silver, defying rain and exhaustion to stumble along a path with women clinging upside-down to their backs. The winning couple received plasma televisions and the winning wife’s weight, 49 kilograms, in beer. (Woo-hoo!)

They were 44 couples from 12 countries competing in the annual event in Sonkajarvi, central Finland. Rodman took a shot at the top prize to no avail in 2005.

The Wife-Carrying event is charged with competitive spirit, and is renowned for its warm and humorous atmosphere. The championships have traditionally been dominated by Estonian teams and that doesn't please the local Finns, who have been wife-carrying for centuries. It is precisely Margo Uusorg and Egle Soll from Estonia who hold the Wife-Carrying World Record with a time of only 1 minute 0.7 seconds. This year Estonian Madis Uusorg finished first, in a time of 61.7 seconds, despite having Inga Klauson on his back upside-down with her legs around his neck.
(pictured above...looks fun, da?)

The Wife Carrying World Championship is run over a 253.5 meters-long official track (Editor’s note: According to the 1977 U.S. Metric conversion handbook we found Dash chewing on, 253.5 meters is about 845 rods.) The surface of the track is partially sand, partially grass and partially asphalt. The track has two dry obstacles and a water obstacle, about one meter deep.

There are a few basic rules to observe in the Championship. The wife to be carried may be your own, the neighbor's or you may have found her further a field. The minimum weight of the wife to be carried is 49 kilos (946 fathoms). If it is less than 49 kilos (.36451 pecks), the wife will be burdened with such a heavy rucksack that the total weight to be carried is 49 kilos (62 leagues). If a contestant drops his wife, that couple will be fined 15 seconds (45 paragrams) per drop. The photo at left is from the Finnish tourism page...must have thrilled a bunch of Mrs. Finns. ("Finns like big butts, and they cannot lie...!)

Along with the Wife-Carrying World Championships there is also a Team Competition. The track is the same but three men in the team carry the wife in turns. At the exchange point the carrier has to drink the official "wife carrying drink" before continuing the race. A special prize is awarded to the team with best costumes.

On Friday night there will be a Wife Carrying Triathlon, in which the couples compete in side step, riding a bike with the wife sitting in front of the man, and wife-carrying while running through the 253.5 meter (134 square rods) long track in the new wife-carrying arena. The track has the traditional dry obstacles and water pool, too.

Top Finnish artists and local musicians have their own share in making the public enjoy the Wife-Carrying World Championships in Sonkajärvi. Alongside the wife-carrying sporting competitions, there will be bands playing music in the arena, antique traders' market place, wife-carrying karaoke, and wife-carrying dance among other amenities. (When are we going?)

…But wait there’s more…If this isn’t your cup of wife, the Finns also hold several other entertaining Championships. The Mobile Phone Throwing World Championship: and the Air Guitar World Championship:


So this genius – Andre Tolme – decides to golf Mongolia. We can't even imagine where the idea for this one came from, but…

Yes, Mongolia. All of it. From Choybalsan in the east, to Dund-Us in the west. What's it all about? Here's Tolme's description:

“Golf Mongolia is an extraordinary expedition where I walk 1,320 miles (2,100 km) across the country of Mongolia while hitting a golf ball. Some may call this extreme golf, adventure expressionism, or just plain crazy, but one thing is certain; this has never been done before and may never be done again. The country has been divided into 18 holes which follow dirt tracks, rivers, and nomadic herding trails from east to west across the land once ruled by Genghis Khan.”

So, how big a golf course does Mongolia make? Well, divided into eighteen holes, it is 2,322,000 yards long. What's par? Oh, just 11,880 strokes. At one point ¾ of the way through, Tolme had completed 14 holes over 82 days (and 969 miles) of golfing. He had swung his trusty 3-iron a total of 9503 times, which puts him just 135 strokes over par. The bad news: he's lost a total of 481 balls. Hope they have plenty of curdled yak milk on tap at the 19th hole when this guy gets done...

We don’t know how it ended up, and we are still questioning his choice of a 3-iron, but what do we know?

Hey Andre, they have this new fangled gadget called a golf cart. If you can keep it fueled up with gas or electricity, this marvel of modern technology will haul your big dumb ass all the way across the continent. Check it out next time.

Tolme took this little jaunt in 2005. Hs feet still hurt…


CHAMPION’S MANTRA: Australia's Stuart O'Grady (CSC/Den) leads the pack chanting “We want our blood dope back, these mountains are steep! We want our dope back, these mountains are steep!” during the fifth stage of the 94th Tour de France cycling race between Chablis and Autun.

(That, of course, was for Tour de Dill)

(Photo by AFP/Joel Saget)


LEBRON DOESN’T PLAY IN THE SUMMER LEAGUE…Any questions? JJ Redick #7 of the Orlando Magic chases a loose ball against Thabo Sefolosha #2 of the Chicago Bulls during play at the 2007 Pepsi Pro Summer League at the RDV Sportsplex on July 12, 2007 in Maitland, Florida. JJ says he played cause “Maitland has good dope.”

Obviously, JJ still hasn't figured out that if you go outside in Florida for just a few minutes a day you can lose the pasty white skin...

(That was for Young A.T. and Governor Freeman)

(Photo by Fernando Medina/NBAE via Getty Images)


EVIDENLTY, that tsunami was worse than we thought…A Malaysian spectator waits for the start of a match between China and Malaysia, which China won 5-1.

(That was for Corrie)

(Photo by AFP/File/Roslan Rahman)


THE NEWEST AMERICANS CELEBRATE THEIR EASY ENTRY OVER THE POROUS TEXAS BORDER...Just kidding, Chile's fans celebrate after a win over Portugal in round of 16 action at the FIFA U20 World Cup soccer tournament in Edmonton, Canada, Thursday, July 12, 2007. Chile won 1-0.

(Of course, that was for our brown people Gigs and Frankee!)

(Photo by AP Photo/Marcio Jose Sanchez)


AND FINALLY, Here’s what you’ve been waiting for a team picture of YOUUUUURRRR Los Angeles Monarchs!

Anybody have any idea who any of these people are? …Didn’t think so.

But we bet one of them went to an ACC school.

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