Thursday, June 7, 2007


You thought we were kidding, but that is a beer bottle in Billy Donovan’s left hand in this photo.

Here’s what actually happened. Back in May, the former Providence Friar co-captain was having a few brews with his mentor Rick Pitino. The conversation turned to “how to make tons of money” without following the “Larry Brown Nomad Method” and hop scotching from job-to-job a la Mr. Brown…or Pitino for that matter.

The savvy ex-Terrier, ex-Friar, ex-Knick, ex-Celtic, ex-Rainbow Warrior and ex-Orangemen explained to Donovan that the key to a huge contract without changing jobs was to utilize a move now known in the coaching ranks as a “Krzyghvbnfd5ski.” Unfortunately, Billy was rounding out the 12 pack and he missed the part about not actually signing a contract.

The Magic kindly released Donovan from the $27.5 million deal he signed last Saturday and hired Stan Van Gundy. In Horse racing Fantasy Draft terms that’s sort of like releasing Curlin and hiring Mr. Ed. No wonder the folks in Orlando refer to the team as the “Tragic.”


…and I can prove it.

In the new issue of ESPN magazine there is a story titled SERENA WILLIAMS JUST WANTS TO STOP. It’s about a new reality show called Fast Cars & Superstars (Tonight, ABC, 8:00) which pits teams of celebs against the clock and one another in NASCAR cars.

They just don’t throw Serena, Jewel, John Elway, William Shatner, Bill Cowher, John Salley and others in the cars and say go “rub taarrrrrres,” they actually train them at the Jeff Gordon Driving School at Lowe’s Motor Speedway in Charlotte, NC. The training starts out with a “ride along” with a Nextel driver with speeds reaching 190 mph. Evidently, Serena kept her eyes closed the entire time.

The article goes on to say: “Nature says that the average man on the street can’t drive in Junior’s shoes, but human nature says that he still wants to try…They always feel like they’re going 190, but few break 130. Skill is skill…”

Enter Young A.T. who at that same track under the tutelage of the Richard Petty Driving School (who else?) was one of the “few” to break 130, topping out at 137 mph.

You go (real fast) girl!

EDITOR’S NOTE: NASCAR stud Ryan Newman says “Once you get over 140, it all pretty much feels the same.” So that explains why 132 is so disconcerting?


According to records obtained by the Chicago Sun-Times, oft arrested Chicago Bear Tank “Lawyers, Guns and Money” Johnson spent almost $700 buying assorted junk food during the 60 days he spent in the Cook County Jail.

While locked up in the slammer, Johnson supplemented his jail diet with snacks including 162 beef sticks, 40 honey bun sweet rolls and 35 summer sausages. Here’s the entire list:
Beef sticks 162, Honey buns 40, Summer sausage 35, Chips 35, Coffee 22, Fruit punch 10, Tuna fish 10, Jalapeno cheese spread 9, Tortillas 9, Refried beans 6, Cookies 6, Reese's cups 5, Lemonade 5, Swiss rolls 4, Dill pickles 3, Sugar 3, Cream 3, Oatmeal sandwiches 3, Bag of Jolly Ranchers 2, Butterfingers 2, Peanut butter bars 2 and Cupcakes 1.

Who eats 40 Honey Buns and only 1 Cupcake? And what exactly is an Oatmeal Sandwich?

"I think he was grasping at straws," said Lisa Dorfman, a Miami-based sports nutritionist who is a spokeswoman for the American Dietetic Association and who spent nine years working in the federal prison system. "He was probably bored, hungry and trying to get whatever he could."

Johnson's attorney (who looks a lot like Kaptain Kangaroo) and a Bears spokesman declined comment on his dietary habits while incarcerated.


THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD RIVALRY. Evidently Japanese phenom Daisuke Matsuzaka of the Boston Red Sox has learned his first words of English. In response to the Sox's arch rival the New York Yankees who are currently 10.5 games behind in the AL East, Matsuzaka came up with "You miserable choking bastards!"

Ah...hate, the international language.

(Photo by Justin Sullivan/AFP/Getty Images)


BASKETBALL, SMASKETBALL. In a rare glimpse into the future, Toly Hansbrough (UNC 2024) fresh off his freshmen season as starting Tar Heel point guard (the shortest to do so in the progam's storied history) bags his hoops career to take a shot at pro surfing. Rumor has it that his mother is furious. His father's reaction is not yet known as he is now too old to speak.

(Photo by Steve Robertson/ASP via Getty Images)


YET ANOTHER SIGN THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US...Tyra Turner tries to dig one out of the sand in her fifth round match during the AVP Crocs Tour Esurance Tampa Bay Open at the St. Pete Times Forum in Tampa. Look closely at Tyra's tatoo...Hmmm, we're guessing it's fake since it says Hilton Garden Inn.

Oh, and Tyra, there's this great new product call sun screen that keeps your skin from eventually turning black or bursting into flames.

(Photo by Eliot J. Schechter/Getty Images)


AW, C'MON MOM, not another tourist photo! We're world class tennis pros for crying out loud! Serbian players Jelena Jankovic (L) and her compatriot Ana Ivanovic pose in front of the Eiffel Tower on the eve of their French Tennis Open semi-final match at Roland Garros.

(Photo by Pierre Verdy/Getty Images)


SHE'S BACK...Well, now she's gone acutally because she lost, but when Czech Republic's Nicole Vaidisova played Jelena Jankovic of Serbia in their quarterfinal match of the French Open on June 5, 2007 she was wearing the same ORANGE dress! Sources tell TAH the gesture had nothing to do with her boyfriend and everything to do with a line call.

In her defense, Maria Sharapova has worn the same blue Nike dress the entire tourney as well.

(AP Photo/Michel Spingler)

Tuesday, June 5, 2007


Sources close to Billy Donovan, who recently left Florida to coach the Orland Magic only to ask the Magic to release him back to Florida, say the back-to-back National Championship coach has been on a drunken bender since March Madness ended with his second consecutive title on Monday, April 5.

The source said Donovan went out to celebrate the victory over Ohio State and “sort of forgot to come home.” “He was a few cups of coffee shy of actually knowing where he was when he was informed that all his juniors were going pro,” the source said. “That set him off again, and he’s been pounding ‘em ever since.”

Evidently, due to a change in barometric pressure or a shortage of scotch in Florida (we aren’t sure which), Donovan suddenly snapped out of his haze of inebriation on Sunday morning and said, “I did what? Orlando, where? Me, Magic…Huh? Oh, s***!!!!”

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE... take off all your clothes.

Unamed sources (named Blaser) from Clemson are telling TAH that the members of the Duke lacrosse team organized the party for the victorious John Hopkins squad this past Memorial Day weekend. Just like the notorious night back in March 2006 in Durham, the Duke boys asked the service for one white and one Latin exotic dancer.

“They laughed at us,” said the unnamed Duke player (Matt Danowski), “the lady just said, ‘Hon, this is Ball-Merrr.’”


Washington Mystics General Manager Linda Hargrove has announced that Head Coach Richie Adubato has resigned. Assistant Coach Tree Rollins will assume the position in the interim. "assume the poistion" a good choice of words for the winless Mystics?

Rollins enters his second season with the Mystics. He has been an assistant coach in the NBA with the Washington Wizards, Indiana Pacers and the Orlando Magic. He was the head coach with the Greenville Groove of the National Basketball Developmental League.

He spent 18 seasons in the NBA and was considered a defensive force, accumulating 2,542 blocks, 6,249 points and 6,750 rebounds. Fifteen of his 18 seasons, his teams advanced to the playoffs. "We look forward to turning the season around with Tree's guidance," said Team President and Managing Partner, Sheila Johnson.

Mystics GM Hargrove said she promoted Rollins because “he’s really tall, and he knows Larry Bird.” Rollins only comment was, “Man, there’s a lot of chicks here – on the court, in the locker room, the front office, the stands…They’re EVERYWHERE!”


The Memphis Griz have hired former UVA Cavalier Marc Iavaroni as their new head coach, and it’s nice to see Iavaroni finally get his opportunity. Hopefully, he won't suck.

He’s put in 14 years as an assistant, but he faces a tough task in his first head coaching job -- turning the worst team in the NBA back into a winner. The former Phoenix assistant was hired lst Thursday as coach of the Memphis Grizzlies, who went 22-60 last season after three straight trips to the NBA playoffs.

He said he knows how to reverse that slide. "I've always been noted for my enthusiasm, my passion for the game," he said. "Hell, I told Ralph Samson to get his head out of his ass damn near every day when I was just a freshman in college.” 'By the way, what's up with the UVA/Puerto Rico fiasco?"

Iavaroni vowed to return the "sense of competition" the Grizzlies seem to have misplaced. "You compete in a drill. You compete in a scrimmage. You compete in a preseason game. You compete in one minute or you compete in 41 minutes. That's going to be a trademark of our team," Iavaroni said at a news conference to announce his hiring.

(Is it us, or does that sound a lot like Norv Turner?)


Are you kidding? The ACC released the football national television schedule for the upcoming season and on November 17th, the mighty Golden Domers take on ...are you ready for this?...drum roll, please….Duke.

Yes, that would be the Duke Blue Devils. Oh, and of course, the game is in South Bend.

Wouldn’t want to play in that scary Wallace Wade Stadium…oooooh…


NICE BRIDGE. Red Bull F1 racing team driver Mark Webber from Australia speeds up on the Rio Antirio bridge, some 200 kilometres south of Athens. We don't know why he was there.

(Photo by Aris Miessinis/AFP/Getty Images)


AIRBALL. Qatar's Nasser Al-Attiyah drives his Subaru Impreza during the Schimatari special stage of the WRC Acropolis Rally 01 June 2007. "Schimatari" translates to "fly through the air going stupid fast up a hill while trying not to die."

(Photo by Louisa Gouliamaki/Getty Images)


SLIPPERIER WHEN WET. Australia's Troy Bayliss (L), Ducati, follows Japan's Noriyuki Haga, Yamaha, during rain in race 1 of the Superbikes World Championship, Round 7 at Silverstone, 27 May 2007.

(Photo by Max Nash/AFP/Getty Images)

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