Saturday, April 7, 2007

CRIME REALLY DOES PAY

You want criminals, we’ll give you criminals. Take your garden variety Bob Huggins, add in three parts West Virginia, a dash of Morgantown and a couch or two, and we will give you some quality crime. It's only a matter of time. In the meantime, Mountaineers basketball will look a lot different under new coach Bob Huggins, with faster-paced action, more slam dunks and -- he hopes -- a higher tally on the scoreboard and down at the station. All for just $5 million a year.

HUGGINS TELLS FIRST LIE (IN MORGANTOWN)
"I want to stay here as long as I can do what I'm supposed to do and as long as you people will have me," said Huggins, who's returning 30 years after he played his last game as a Mountaineer. "Thanks for letting me come home."

Huggins was hired just two days after John Beilein ended a successful five-year run to take the Michigan job. That opened the door for Morgantown-born Huggins to come home to what he's long told people was his dream job.

The 53-year-old Huggins has plenty of history with the Mountaineers. A former captain and two-time academic All-American during his 1975-77 playing days, Huggins spent the first year of his coaching career here as a graduate assistant.

LET THE BUYER BEWARE – Rick Reilly

Congratulations, West Virgin(i)a University! You've just purchased Famous College Coaches Model NX9873, Bob Huggins.

WAIVER: Before you open your used Bob Huggins, please read the directions CAREFULLY. We cannot be responsible for damage to your integrity, reputation or standing in the community.

GUARANTEE: Your used Bob Huggins is guaranteed to win games, not graduate players. He operates best at a zero graduation rate. In fact, in four of nine reporting years at Cincinnati his graduation rate was 0.0 -- meaning Huggins graduated as many people as the local cemetery. He insists his rates were low because he relied on junior college transfers, who don't count in the stats when they graduate, and because many of his players turned pro. Still, in 16 years at Cincinnati, Huggins graduated only 28% of the players who arrived as freshmen. You could do better than that teaching calculus by smoke signal.

SETTINGS: Do not adjust the volume on your used Bob Huggins. He has only one setting. During games he screams at his players, and they scream back at him. It's like dinner at Ozzy Osbourne's house. Your fans will love it. They will be able to hear much of his halftime speech without leaving their seats.

CARE AND CLEANING: Do not attempt to clean your used Bob Huggins with abrasive cleansers or industrial products. In fact, don't try to clean your used Bob Huggins at all. The stain will not wash off. He's about as black a hat as you can find in college basketball. He even wears black. His temper is factory-set to "quick" and his ethics to "slick," and he'll sign a cottonmouth if he thinks he can rebound.

BEFORE YOU BEGIN: Hire extra cashiers. Your used Bob Huggins will win many games and win them quicker than you can tote them up. He's the best defensive coach in the land. K-State won six Big 12 games last year? Hah! Huggins will pass that by Groundhog Day. You'll sell out of seats, jerseys and nachos. Alumni donations will double. You'll be on Dick Vitale's speed-dial. With Dick's lung capacity, that's not always a good thing.

LIMITED WARRANTY: No wins guaranteed after March 15. Only one of Huggins's last nine Cincinnati teams made it past the first weekend of the NCAA tournament. You said you wanted to go to the dance. You didn't say you wanted to stay.

NOTE TO USERS: Do not store your used Bob Huggins near any flammable material, such as the NCAA rule book. In '98 his Bearcats program got two years probation and lost three scholarships for "lack of institutional control." Also, keep your university's ethics professors away from him. We all know what you did here. You sold your soul for wins. It's like marrying Anna Nicole Smith. She ain't moving in to cook.

TROUBLESHOOTING: Your used Bob Huggins already made you look a little sleazy before you hired him. After getting canned by Cincinnati in August 2005, he had all of last season to basically recruit star players, even though he didn't know what school he was recruiting them for. You're going to love it there, as soon as I figure out where "there" is. Right after Hugs signed with Kansas State, he got a verbal commitment from star forward Michael Beasley, one of the top high school players in the class of '07. (Probably didn't hurt that Huggy Bear hired Beasley's old AAU coach as one of his assistants.)

HELPFUL TIP: Have plenty of good lawyers around. Your used Bob Huggins often recruits the kind of player reserved for Scared Straight! documentaries. In his time at Cincinnati, 19 of his players or recruits were charged with crimes ranging from shoplifting to assault. One player punched a horse. Huggins's Thug-o-meter broke years ago. If you hold a reunion of ex-Huggins players now in the NBA, it will draw such moral beacons as San Antonio's Nick (the Gangsta Hooper) Van Exel, who once attacked a ref; Denver's Kenyon Martin, who was suspended for insubordination during last season's playoffs; and Milwaukee's Ruben Patterson, a registered sex offender.

SAFETY WARNING: Use caution when allowing your used Bob Huggins to take the wheel of your program. In fact, use caution when allowing him to take the wheel of anything. He's already had one DUI conviction.

REPLACEMENT PARTS: These are not covered by the manufacturer on your used Bob Huggins. The man is so intense he had a heart attack four years ago, at 49, and was back at work within two weeks. (Defibrillator sold separately.)

EMERGENCY SHUT-OFF: After a few seasons you will want to get rid of your used Bob Huggins the way Quasimodo wanted to get rid of his hump. This will not be cheap. It cost Cincinnati president Nancy Zimpher $3 million to fire him. Why'd she do it? Because, she said, "character counts."

Not at WVU. Accountants do.

Enjoy!

PICTURE OF THE DAY

AT DUKE, the Crazies make fun of Gervis Vasquez 'cause he's ugly. Boy, would they make some hay in the good ole SEC.

PICTURE OF THE DAY2

BUTLER's coach goes to Iowa, so the Bulldogs promote assistant Brad Stephens who is actually a teenager.

Friday, April 6, 2007

BOSTON COLLEGE IN FROZEN FOUR FINAL

Undefeated and unscored upon regular season ACC Ice Hockey and ACC Ice Hockey Tournament champions, Boston College defeated North Dakota last night 6-4 to advance to the semi-finals in the 2007 NCAA Men’s Ice Hockey National Championship Frozen Four in St. Louis. The Eagles (39-11-1) (22-0, ACC) will take their 13-game winning streak into the national championship game against a Michigan State team looking for its first title since 1986.

Shockingly, Boston College was the only ACC team invited to the tournament. “Don’t we usually get eight or nine?” asked Duke hockey coach John “S***, F***, Damn, Piss, Gobble, Nibble, Chew” Krzxydhfvb3ski. “No, Mike Williams knows hockey and Mike Williams loves these kids, and Mike Williams is here to tell you that you’re thinking about lacrosse. This is hockey, the sticks are different,” said UNC hockey coach Mike “Sniffles” Williams.

SPEAKING OF WHEELECTOMIES, NC STATE ASSISTANT ARRESTED

A North Carolina State assistant basketball coach filed a complaint against a city police officer Thursday, a day after being arrested on a misdemeanor charge of resisting an officer.

Lee Turner, an attorney representing NC State assistant Larry Harris, said the complaint accused Officer R.W. King of assault, excessive force and conduct unbecoming an officer. Raleigh police spokesman Jim Sughrue declined to say whether a complaint had been filed, adding state law prohibits him from discussing personnel matters.

Harris was pulled over near downtown Raleigh late Wednesday. Police said he was driving 41 mph in a 25 mph zone. "Harris declined to comply with several requests and instructions from the officer, and the officer eventually arrested Harris," Raleigh police spokesman Jim Sughrue said in a written statement earlier Thursday. Harris also was cited for speeding, Sughrue said.

Team spokeswoman Annabelle Myers said, “I wish Johnny Cochran was still alive. Did I say that out loud?”

CLARK THROWS MASSIVE PARTY, TAH NOT INVITED

There was a party at FSU alum J.C. CCNationRocks' house last night (pictured right), when Florida coach Billy Donovan told ESPN.com that juniors and likely first-round draft picks Joakim Noah, Al Horford, Corey Brewer and Taurean Green will declare for the draft by the April 29 deadline and sign with agents, preventing them from returning for their senior season. A number of NBA sources consider Horford, Noah and Brewer potential top 10 picks, while Green is expected to go somewhere in the first round.

Noah, affectionately know in these parts as Crazy Hair Boy, said, “ARRRRRGGHHHH!”

PICTURE OF THE DAY

NO, he's not playing at Augusta, but, yes, that is Tom Brady. That's all we're gonna say, but you can fill in the blank. Hmmm, for a guy who's been running around allegedly impregnating actresses and super models, in this photo Tom looks downright ________.

Is "dorky" a word?

PICTURE OF THE DAY 2

WHO knew Tom Petty had a brother, and he's playing in the NBA? Looks like the little fella is having a bad hair life.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

AVALEZ LE FERMIER DE ART QUE LE HOKIE VANDALIZED

The Masters starts today, and that’s a golf tournament. So, TAH is supposed to be on semi-vacation. Well so much for that thanks to some Wahoo frat boy-jerk art thieves.

Gobble de Art is a community project in Blacksburg featuring 75 fiberglass bird statues put on display as part of a fundraising project. Last month, a group of fraternity pledges from the University (of Virginia) ripped one from its base and hauled it back to Hooville for some unstated purpose. More Zima, please.

The students stole Farmer Hokie, the 120-pound fiberglass bird, from its perch in front of the town's municipal building on March 23. Only its feet remained. Though the UVa. caper, which involved bringing the bird statue back to Charlottesville, has the trappings of a prank, nobody's laughing.

UVa. spokeswoman Carol Wood said about 10 fraternity pledges admitted to a UVa. dean that they took the bird March 23 and will pay $10,000 in damages. The students have returned the statue. Blacksburg police are contemplating charges against the UVa. students because they “are from UVa.” Because of their value, destruction of one of the statues is a felony, said police Lt. Joe Davis.

Diane Akers, the executive director of Blacksburg Partnership, said the Hokie birds were commissioned to make money for the foundation, which promotes economic development in Blacksburg.

"Except for the vandalism, it's been a great project," Akers said. So far, the partnership has made $125,000. (These are all real quotes, but this one is particularly spectacular in that “other than the assassination, did you enjoy the play Mrs. Lincoln” sort of way…)

All the statues damaged by vandals have been repaired, she said.

"Most do love the Hokie bird," she said. "But some people think it's a college prank to damage them. But it's not a prank, it's a felony."

http://www.gobbledeart.org

PICTURE OF THE DAY

DEAR HOKIES: What is stopping you from having one of these objects de art in your front yard? Better yet, the Mrs. has been looking for that "special something" for the foyer!

PICTURE OF THE DAY 2

WHAT DOES IT TAKE to get coach John Beilein away from WVU? How about $1.3 million PER year.

PICTURE OF THE DAY 3

A LITTLE SOMETHING for our female readers. The Masters starts today and, in spite of physical ailments, Boom Boom looks pretty good.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

NEW AND IMPROVED or OLD AND THE SAME?

Welcome to the new off-season truncated version of TAH. From now until football season, TAH will only appear randomly as recruiting, NBA defection, crime, success in other sports (did we mention crime?), coaching changes, little crimes, big crimes, felonies and non-felonies require. It will look and feel the same, but it will be visiting less frequently. Disappointing, we know. Enjoy your cyber-peace and cyber-quiet.

Please feel free to send us tips, as the moment One Shining Moment was over, we laid off the entire TAH research staff and half the writer(s).






ABOVE - Just like TAH - mostly the same, only smaller.

ROY WILLIAMS TO CONTINUE CALLING SELF ROY WILLIAMS

Another coach who has achieved success with two teams, UNC head coach Roy Williams, joined Phil Jackson in heading a class of seven named Monday to enter the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame in September.

Williams is the third coach in history to lead two schools to the NCAA championship game. He won the championship with North Carolina in 2005 and also reached the final with Kansas.

"I'm the first to admit that I've been very lucky at Kansas and North Carolina but I'm also the one that can say Roy Williams’ knows what we went through,'' Williams told ESPN.com's Andy Katz.

Williams said he wishes he could split up the Hall of Fame plaque in 300 pieces to disperse to his former players and coaches. He also is indebted to his family, his wife Wanda and grown children Kim and Scott.

When reached for comment, Phil Jackson asked TAH, “How am I not in the Hall of Fame already? What’s a guy gotta do?”

BASKETBALL HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES 2007

Phil Jackson (Coach) - Nine NBA titles; fastest coach in NBA history to reach 900 wins.
Roy Williams (Coach) - Six-time NCAA coach of the year. Five Final Fours; three title games; one title.
Van Chancellor (Coach) - Led Houston Comets to four WNBA titles and won gold medal with U.S. at 2004 Olympics.
Texas Western (Team) - Won 1966 NCAA title over Kentucky; first team to win title with five black starting players.
Mendy Rudolph (Referee) - Officiated 2,112 NBA games; worked Finals games for 22 straight seasons.
Pedro Ferrandiz (Int'l coach) - 437-90 record with Real Madrid. 12 Spanish League titles, 11 Spanish Cup titles, and four European Cup titles.
Mirko Novosel (Int'l coach) - Led Yugoslavia to 1980 Olympic gold medal, 1976 silver medal and a bronze in 1984.

GET A T.O. BABY, THE HALL OF FAME IS MAKING A RUN

A former coach on the collegiate and NBA level, Dick Vitale has become the face, and exuberant voice, of college basketball over the past 27 years in his work as an analyst for ESPN. But that doesn’t seem to be enough to get him elected to the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame.

Failing for the third time, Vitale’s trademark enthusiasm remains intact. "If this is the worst thing that ever happens to me, I've had a great, great life." After he was a finalist and not elected in both 2004 and 2006, a groundswell of support for Vitale began from some of the bigger coaching names in college basketball.

The class of 2007 included North Carolina coach Roy Williams, one of those who wrote letters of support for Vitale. Williams, former WNBA coach Van Chancellor and two members of the 1966 NCAA champion Texas Western team were the only ones in Atlanta for the announcement. Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson couldn't attend.

"Dick has been maybe the most enthusiastic supporter for college basketball in the last 25 years and Roy Williams would love to see the day Dick Vitale is in the Hall of Fame because I know what that would mean to him," Williams said. "He has been so outspoken about the wonderful part of the college game, the pageantry, the spirit of college athletics. I'm extremely honored to go in with Phil Jackson, Van Chancellor, Texas Western. I would have been extremely honored to have gone in with Dick Vitale, too."

"Maybe I'm going to be the Susan Lucci of college basketball," he said with a laugh, referring to the soap opera actress who was nominated for an Emmy Award 18 times before finally winning. "I was touched to tears last night when I addressed a group of coaches and they started chanting `Hall of Fame, Hall of Fame.'

PICTURE OF THE DAY

"MAN, this algebra thing is messing me up...Oh, yeah, I don't need algebra where I'm going." Can you believe there are actually people out there who don't believe this kid is nineteen? What up wit dat?

PICTURE OF THE DAY 2

HEY, I think I got some buck in my eye, and who knew Jimmy Johnson's kid was an OSU fan?

PICTURE OF THE DAY 3

YOU are not gonna see this at the NBA finals.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

FLORIDA WINS EVERY NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP KNOWN TO MAN

Sorry John...
What next?
Baseball?
Soccer?
Lacrosse?
Golf?

PICTURE OF THE DAY

OH, the humanity!

PICTURE OF THE DAY 2

MAKE it stop.

Monday, April 2, 2007

NEW CAPITAL ONE CAMPAIGN: “WHO’S IN YOUR WALLET?”

Capital One, which has become a household name via several variations of its memorable "What's in your wallet?" ad campaign, is about to release a new campaign for tonight's NCAA final.

If you think you're seeing those Capital One ads all the time, you are. Capital One spent $5.4 million on ads in January, according to Nielsen Monitor-Plus. That's more than rivals Visa and MasterCard or American Express. So it was only natural that the very successful “What’s in your wallet?” campaign would evolve (or devolve, depending on your perspective) into “Who’s in your wallet?” – a new campaign starting who else? Mike Krzcchfhgbndm8ski, of course.

“Capital One has spent over $285 million a year on our advertising campaigns,” said company spokesperson Bill McDonald (Duke ’71), “And we are happy to "borrow" Coach K from American Express. What better way to spend our money than paying off ACC officials to benefit Duke basketball and honoring Leader/Boss K in the process with more exposure to potential recruits? Of course the first commercial in the new ‘Who’s in your wallet?’ series will also feature Tom Lopes, John Cahill, Mike Kitts, the guys who reffed the ClockGate game earlier this year at Clemson. They deserve some ‘Andy Warhol time’ on the positive side.”

Unfortunately, while Capital One is throwing around big ad dollars, they’re still getting dissed on Madison Avenue: "The work is relentlessly insipid," says Ernest Lupinacci, a partner at Anomaly in New York. "Can anybody relate to Hagar the Horrible trying to slit your throat when you pull out a credit card? No. But surely everybody understands that Mike Krzchvaskds8ski has the officials in his pocket. Besides we all want to scream obscenities at our children and our co-workers the way Krzyxhflkpy7ski does!”

Consumers surveyed for Ad Track, USA TODAY's weekly poll, say that, of those familiar with the ads, 79% agree that Coach K is up to no good and it has something to do with somebody’s wallet. The numbers peak at 99% in certain regions of central North Carolina, Maryland and Virginia while running at an unbelievably low 2% in Durham, NC and most of New Jersey.

Needless to say this has generated a bit of an uproar over at American Express where, according to JoeSportsFan.com, the Mighty K is about to roll out a new Duke Blue Cash AE card. The campaign goes like this: “Insipire, Motivate, Manipulate. Introducing Duke Blue Cash. Now earn more reward points for the things that are important to you. Landrovers for your Boozer’s and Duhon’s. Free meals for your Battier’s and Deng’s. Hookers for your Dunleavy’s and Redick’s. Cigars for your Bilas’s (who knew they were back on good terms?) and Vitale’s. Hitmen for your Duke-biased refs.” A spokesperson for American Express called the campaign, “Understated, but perfect.”

Both commercials will debut during CBS’s coverage of tonight's game. CBS analyst Billy Packer will provide a 30 second infomercial lead-in to the new “Who’s in your wallet?” spots declaring that the Final Four, CBS, Cap One and Coach Krzyscvgkbm9ski are all “in your head and your wallet!” This will mark the first time Packer has said anything other than super serious basketball analysis since he started covering the Final Four in 1975.

Coach Kryzsfkdr5ski could not be reached. Sources close to the Blue Devils said he was visiting recruits at a Utah commune and an Idaho juvenile corrections facility (fancy words for prison). (Oh no! More skinny white guys?)

DEJA VU, ALL OVER AGAIN

UNC’s women team had a 12 point lead over Tennessee with just over 7 minutes remaining in the national Semi-Final. Then it happened. North Carolina, trying to get to the championship for the second time, collapsed down the stretch, just like its men's team did last week against Georgetown. Tennessee outscored the Tar Heels 20-2 down the stretch to earn its 12th trip to the title game under coach Pat Summitt. In the Tar Heels' last 15 possessions, they scored just two points, missed all eight field-goal tries and had seven turnovers.


Somehow, the Heels held the Vols to 27% shooting and still found a way to lose.

Ouch.

PICTURE OF THE DAY

THE CAPTION said "New Kroger," and we don't have to tell you where it is.

PICTURE OF THE DAY 2

A LITTLE tidbit from our new favorite web page - www.mustignitethiscouch.com.

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