Saturday, March 3, 2007

JMU DUKES SEEK TO JOIN ACC

According to sources close to TAH, James Madison University, home of the Dukes, has petitioned the Atlantic Coast Conference for admission into the venerable sports conference. JMU’s slogans supporting the cause are “Two Dukes Are Better Than One” and “If You Love That Duke, You’re Gonna Really Love These Dukes (And You Don’t Have To Suck Up to Us)!”

According to JMU President Dr. Linwood Rose, “Our history is completely intertwined with all the ACC schools. We were founded in 1908, which makes us 17 years older than Miami and a mere 119 years younger than UNC. We would be the second newest school in the conference, practically modern since all the others were founded in 1800s by people long since dead and now culturally insignificant.”

According to JMU President Emeritus, Dr. Ronald E. Carrier, “The similarities between Madison and the other ACC schools are quite compelling. We have 16,900 students which makes us the same size as Georgia Tech, half as big as Maryland and two and one-half times bigger than the other Duke. Oh, by the way, I never really trusted that Petty kid or Anderson, Reeves, Keyser or Chipman now that I think of it.”

According to Athletics Director Jeffrey Bourne, “Let’s be frank. We promise to be a doormat. Those other schools you brought in they’re messing with you. Look at Virginia Tech – they kick your ass in football and now they have the audacity to have a good hoop squad as well. We would never do that…Hell, we couldn’t do that. Our basketball team is currently 7-21 overall and 4-13 in conference. You want bad losses? We’ve lost to Towson, Northeastern, Drexel, UNC – Wilmington, Eastern Kentucky, Mt. St. Mary’s and perennial powerhouse Texas Pan Am. Oh, I almost forgot Sienna. They kicked our butts. We’ve got an RPI of 473.”

According to Associate Athletics Director for Sports Programs Kevin Whit, “Our stadium is small, much smaller than Wallace Wade Stadium and our basketball house is really non-descript and only seats 7,612. I think it’s 7,613, but we can argue about that later. The $130 million John Paul Jones arena could, as Dudley Moore said in that Arthur movie, kick the s&%# out of us in an arena war! We just can’t compete. Also, we don’t have any traditions or rivalries, and our kids, the “Convocation Center Lazies,” can’t/don’t/won’t come up with clever cheers at games. They just simply don’t have it in them.”

According to Assistant Athletics Director for Development Nick Langridge, ”JMU and ACC teams that have won National Championships in basketball are practically attached at the hip. When Carolina won in 1982, the Dukes beat Ohio State in the first round only to fall 52-50 to the eventual Champs -- the Tar Heels. The next year, we whipped the Mountaineers only to lose in the next round to eventual National Champion N.C. State. I mean, we are literally a good luck charm for the ACC. In 2005, when the Heels won again, we lost in the first round of CAA tourney and were at home where we belonged watching it all on television, but we pulled for the ACC.”

According to Associate Athletics Director for Development and Marketing: Geoff Polglase, “The coach of our only good NCAA basketball teams was a fellow named Lou Campanelli, and, let me tell you, Coach Lou could cuss with the best of them. Coack K -- wait at the bar! After he left here and went out to California where basketball coaches are wimps, Campanelli got in trouble for ‘verbally assaulting his players’ – another tradition at that other Duke, if you know what I mean.”

According to Associate Athletics Director for Student Athlete Services: Casey Carter, “Just like that other Duke, our school mascot is named after a man named Duke – Samuel P. Duke who was the prez from 1919 to 1949. He became president when our first top dog, I guy named Burrus, left Harrisonburg to go to some school called Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (VPISU?). They tell me it’s in Southwest Virginia somewhere, but I’ve never heard of it. Somebody in the Sports Information Department told me they changed their name, but I never got the memo. Rumor has it that their mascot is a turkey, which, quite frankly, is ‘effed’ up. Well at least our Duke guy didn’t make cigarettes and kill millions of people.”

According to Assistant Athletics Director for Marketing & Promotions: Brad Edmondson, “We have some very famous alums which is important in this day and age. Look at all the famous people who have graduated from JMU including G. Petty (Editor, TAH), C. Anderson (Insane Cubs/Bear Fan), M. Reeves (MENSA, 3 VP Kup Wins), B. Chipman (Real Estate Mogul, future President Reevesman Country Club, 4 VP Kup Wins), J. Keyser (Financial Mogul, Horseplayer Par Exellence) and Dr. Marcia Angell (Editor, New England Journal of Medicine) -- who can say no to a one-six punch like that? And how about Steve Buckhantz (Sports announcer Wizards, etc.), Gary Clark (Two Super Bowls), Tony Schiavone (Professional wrestling commentator), Charles Haley (Five Super Bowls), Scott Norwood (Super Bowl "wide right"), and Elliot Sadler – OK, he didn’t graduate -- but we’re talking NASCAR here…Duke, Boston College, Miami, UVA -- got any NASCAR drivers? Huh? HUH? Didn’t think so. So c’mon let us in…Pretty please. We promise we will SUCK. That New England Journal of Medicine lady? We will put a sock in her pie hole and shut her up pronto so our intellectuals like Reeves don’t show up any of your intellectuals! C’mon, let us in!”

Finally, according to JMU Head Football Coach Mickey Mathews, “We will kick Duke’s ass. We may lie down for everybody else, but Duke is going down. There is no hate like Dukes on Duke hate. No rivalry like Dukes on Duke brand new semi-rivalry. No crack-back block like a Dukes on Duke crack-back block. Hey, we won the Division 1-AA Championship in an actual playoff. To accomplish that, my mighty Dukes had to defeat Lock Haven, Villanova, Hofstra, Massachusetts, Maine, Richmond, VMI, Delaware, Towson, Lehigh, Furman, William & Mary and Montana…Hey, the Blue Hens, The Tribe! They’re powerhouses! We beat Maine for heaven’s sake. Let us in. Besides, you need at least one team in the league with purple in its uniform that’s worth half-a-crap.

Look, you let Virginia Tech in which made sense. You let Boston College in for who knows what reason. You let Criminal U. at Coconut Grove in for football, nice winter weather and just plain old good entertainment value, so why not us? Please.

PUH-LEEEEZ.

When reached for a comment on JMU’s petition to enter the league, ACC Commissioner John Swofford said, “Gusentiet.”

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