Wednesday, March 14, 2007


DURHAM - During yesterday’s “Tuesday’s With K” radio show on XM, University of New Jersey – Durham head coach Mike Krzxyhfbvnsd2ski announced that the Duke “family” was cutting all ties with former Dukie, lawyer, and now ESPN commentator Jay Bilas. Bilas was somewhat critical of his former coach following the Henderson/Hannibalsbrough Nose Incident when Coach K refused to apologize and questioned why Roy Williams still had his star player in the game with just a few seconds left. Evidently, Bilas committed the worse possible sin against his Duke family -- telling the truth.

“He is dead to us now. From now on he will be known as Jay Kill-us,” said Boss Mikey The K. To the horror of some of his listeners, but to the delight of others, Krxydhgx9ski openly admitted that the Duke basketball family did resemble the famous crime organization portrayed on HBO’s prime time drama “The Sopranos.” “Yeah, in many way’s we’re a lot a like that. I like to think of us as the Dukepranos. We are a very tight knit family and you better never forget it! But we aren’t in the ‘sanitation’ bidness like Tone and his fellas.”

Many Dukepranos family members weighed-in on the well publicized riff after Bilas had moved from soldier, to wise guy, to made guy and then all the way up the ladder to consigliere for Boss K. “He’s in the wind now,” said Silvio “JJ” Dante (Trinity College ’71), “I can’t believe that cafone ratted on the Chief Rat, what a mortadello!”

Paulie “Shel” Walnuts (Duke ’69) weighed in saying, “Yeah, he’s a ‘wise guy’ alright, just not my type. He sits up there on that 'EXPM' and he’s a big shot chiacchierone. Whayda puttana!! He should be payin’ Boss K points.”

“Oh, the stugats on dis guy!” said Chistopher “G” Moltisanti (Duke – dropped out 1984), “I’d whack the guy myself, but he’s family and maybe he’s just gira dementa?”

“It’s really a shame, he went to Duke, he played for Duke, he’s part of the Duke tradition, he’s class, he wears great suits, he’s my colleague and one of the best in the business! Oh, my, how the heat gets turned up in March when it’s dance time baby!” said Dickie V (Duke, B.S. Butt-kissing, 1960-2007 - on going studies), “Poor oobatz bastard, buon’anima – God rest his soul, baby!!”

(Editor’s note: Props to Young A.T. for her contributions to this story.)

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