Friday, March 30, 2007

ACC TO DISBAND

ACC Commissioner John Swofford (pictured at right) announced at a press conference earlier today that the league famous for more NCAA national championships in the past 20 years than any other will, in fact, disband following Clemson’s loss to West Virginia and North Carolina’s horrible gasping puke against Georgetown. “We’re just overrated, and no good,” said Swofford.

“Look, we can’t run with the Big East, they are far superior, so why bother?” said Swofford. “Yeah, we had Michael Jordan, James Worthy, Sam Perkins, and Vince Carter, but the Big East had Derrick Coleman, Pearl Washington and Ronny Seikaly. You tell me who’s better?”

“For starters, there is an East Coast media bias,” stated Swofford, “The big media outlets that dominate the sporting public’s opinion and who tirelessly work to brainwash sports fans look at all the statistics and the games and then say the ACC is the best conference year-in and year-out. They examine all the facts and base the ACC's superiority on them. That's ridiculous. That is extra mind-boggling when you consider that those outlets – New York, Philadelphia, Connecticut and Washington D.C. – all have amazing, incredible, unbelievable, phenomenal Big East games going on right under their clearly biased noses. Weird, you’d think they’d be biased toward the Big East, but they aren’t. I guess the South Carolina media has more clout than I thought.”

“Top to bottom, the big East is awesome. We just don’t have anybody that has a record like the University of South Florida. Yeah, I know, we’ve won a bunch of championships, been in damn near every Final Four with the exception of the last two years, but we’re slipping. Right now, what says NCAA Championship, Final Four or McDonald’s All-American recruits like Rutgers, Seton Hall or St. John’s?” asked Swofford.

Regarding overall depth of the conferences, Swofford said, “It’s no contest. They have Marquette for crying out loud. I mean, they won the NIT in 1970, went to the Final Four in 1974 and won it all in 1977? How many ACC teams have won a National Championship since 1977? I tell you how many – 8 and that’s not enough.” “And DePaul,” Swofford continued, “ever since 'Everybody Loves' Raymond Meyer, the huggable old teddy bear of a coach left, they’ve never been to a Final Four or won a title. How are we supposed to compete with that? Not to mention that West Virginia has now won the prestigious NIT twice in 65 years. TWICE! Now that’s impressive.”

“And Providence and Villanova? Don’t get me started. The Friars have been great since Ernie DiGregorio played. He was the rookie of the year in 1973 in the NBA, he set a record for most assists that only a kid from North Carolina State managed to tie! And Villanova? Ever since Rollie snuck off to UNLV for a big bag of money, it seems like Nova is in the Final Four every damn year. They’re not, but it sure does seem that way. We are far inferior, it’s as simple as that,” bellyached Swofford.

“Ultimately, when you lose road games in the NIT like State did to West Virginia; in spite of the fact that, 26 of the first 30 teams did, you’re toast, and it’s time to pack it in. And the Georgetown game? When G-Town plays great for 33 minutes and is still losing by 10 that just proves how much better they were top to bottom. Boy, if the Hoyas play badly, they’re down 20, so how good are they?”

“Never mind, that Georgetown hasn’t been to a Final Four in 22 years and during that time only 4 ACC teams have made 16 trips,” continued Swofford. “That record’s just not acceptable, and we aren’t going to tolerate that kind of under performance. There is simply no reason to keep playing,” he whined.

“Finally, we’re losing coaches to Radford, which should shut the whole thing down.”

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